WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
April 15, 2002
Another week of war for war's sake, a war
with no other aim than its own self-perpetuation. Satan's sorting hat has
been busy deciding who goes to what level, so he's been relying on his
minions to oversee everything else, which doesn't explain why you didn't
get your taxes filed on time.
- Helen -
10. Shooting on "The Osbournes" had to be
postponed for day when a giant dove swooped out of the sky and tried to
bite Ozzie Osbourne's head off.
9. Tom Ridge upped the terror alert
to code pink this week, which means the administration is once again trying
to fuck us in the ass.
8. An Air China plane which crashed in South
Korea killing 115 people was blown off course by high winds. Pentagon
officials say they are on schedule to open a rudimentary missile shield
site by 2004. Look for high winds.
7. Pamela Anderson agreed to marry
Kid Rock on the same day a killer whale died at SeaWorld. Coincidence?
I don't think so.
6. There's a siege of the Church of the Nativity
in Bethlehem. "Man, what's the matter with those bastards?" asked Jesus
Christ on a tour of the eighth level of hell. "Oh well, I wasn't really
born there anyway. And I hear Robin Williams dumped Michael Ovitz,"
he pontificated. "I'm glad I'm dead."
5. Why did Colin Powell finally agree
to meet with Yasser Arafat? How else could they get Whoopi Goldberg
to leave "Hollywood Squares?"
4. The makers of "The Simpsons" apologized
to the city of Rio de Janeiro over an episode that made fun of the city
and the makers of "Family Guy" apologized to the makers of "The
Simpsons" over an episode that made fun of "The Simpsons" apologizing to
the city of Rio de Janeiro.
3. "It's just horrible that the Miss America
beauty contest is facing the threat of bankruptcy," says Adolf Hitler
from the second level of hell. "But I do look forward to Madonna's
new game show on NBC," he chuckled.
2. Ousted Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
was reinstated. Hurray, hurray hurray! (I know, who gives a fuck. Sometimes
it's hard to come up with ten of these.)
And the number one person going to hell this
week?
1. Al Gore came out against Republican
domestic policy, then went back in his hole without seeing his shadow,
forecasting another six years of Republican rule.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
Enron's debt could reach $100 billion. That's 100
times one billion.
CARTOON FROM HELL
"You can put out a candle
but you can't put out a fire
Once the flames begin to catch
the wind will take it higher."
- Peter Gabriel -
"Rouse yourself! Sit up!
Resolutely train yourself to attain
peace.
Do not let the king of death, seeing
you are careless,
lead you astray and dominate you."
- Buddha -
"There is no pity for a man who moans
about living in one town and does not move to another."
- the Talmud -
"Sometimes in life you mow the lawn
and sometimes you are the lawn."
- Noah benShea -
"Security is mostly superstition."
- Helen Keller -
"The Israelis are becoming increasingly
like the white supremacist South Africans, viewing the Palestinians as
a lower form of life, not hesitating to kill a great many of them."
- Zbigniew Brzezinski -
"The Bush Administration, by not taking
action in the one place in the world where it doesn't seem inclined to
put troops, and by telling the world to eat its boots everywhere else,
has made the world, and America, a far more dangerous place than Osama
bin Laden's petty dreams of global conquest could ever have imagined."
- Geov Parrish -
"The infrastructure of life itself
and of any future Palestinian state--roads, schools, electricity pylons,
water pipes, telephone lines--has been devastated."
- New York Times -
"Our state of affairs today is self-evident,
it is not a case of a struggle between two existences, as the Israeli government
would like to portray it: either them or us. It is a question of ending
an occupation. Resisting occupation is not only a right. It is a national
and human duty that transforms us from the condition of slavery to the
condition of freedom. The shortest road to averting more disasters and
to reaching peace is to liberate the Palestinians from occupation, and
liberate the Israeli society from the illusion of controllable another
people."
- Mahmoud Darwish -
"You know, [Bush's Middle East policy
has] been wholly empty. He began by saying I was going to disengage. Now
he wants to micromanage the timing of the Israeli defense forces. And I
was struck watching our president with the British prime minister. Bush
is in so over his head, he looked like mini me standing next to Shaquille
O'Neal. He has no clue what he is doing."
- Paul Begala -
"Arafat received more than 80 percent
of a vote in an election overseen by Jimmy Carter. Bush received under
50 percent of the popular vote..."
- Saleh Abdel-Rahman -
"I know how hard it is for you to
put food on your family."
- George W. Bush -
COMMERCIAL FROM HELL
McDonalds "Put a smile on, put a smile
on, everybody come on, put a smile on."
What rhymes with the word "on?" The
word "gone?" Yep. The word "lawn?" That too. But it takes a very special
sort of songwriting to rhyme the word "on" with the word "on." Yes, every
word rhymes with itself. It's remarkable. Every songwriter and poet on
earth can celebrate McDonald's amazing discovery. No more struggling for
actual rhymes. Need to rhyme the word "go?" Why not use "go?" It's great.
It's so easy. And the Rosetta Stone of rhyming? What rhymes with "orange?"
The word "orange," of course. Thank you McDonalds.
QUIZ FROM HELL
George Bush left Saddam Hussein in
power at the end of the Gulf War.
a) Yes.
b) No.
George Bush's son is the president
of the United States.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Israel couldn't do shit without weaponry
supplied by the United States.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Israel has invaded Palestinian territories.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Saddam Hussein has stopped oil exports
in protest of Israel's recent actions.
a) Yes.
b) No.
This caused oil prices to go up.
a) Yes.
b) No.
George Bush's son was put in office
with oil money.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Those people now have more money.
a) Yes.
b) No.
They will use this money to help their
buddy George Bush.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Saddam Hussein is the largest campaign
contributor to the re-election campaign of George Bush's son.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Saddam Hussein works for George Bush.
a) Yes.
b) No.
HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL
In March 2001, after suing the file-sharing
service Napster to death citing the need to pay artists, the RIAA asked
the Copyright Office to let it avoid paying royalties to songwriters and
song publishers on its own "legitimate" online music services.
When George Bush Sr. left the White
House, he went to work for a Canadian gold mining company (Barrick Mining)
founded by Adnan Koshogi, (Biggest/crookedest arms dealer in the world)
the guy Bush pardoned as his last act in office.
"Democracy means deceive people into
doing what the rich want, and markets means make sure the public subsidize
the rich."
- Noam Chomsky -
"For a century and a half now, America
and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern
times."
- George W. Bush, Tokyo, Feb 18, 2002
-
SONG FROM HELL
IF
by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about
you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men
doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting
too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk
too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams
your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts
your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the
same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've
spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life
to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out
tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve
and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are
gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in
you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold
on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your
virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common
touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can
hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too
much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance
run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's
in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my
son!
SITES FROM HELL
Absolutely, without a
doubt, the best pictures
of Jesus ever.
Notice: the Enron
voice-mail system has changed.
Attention all starving
artists, go to The Pauper, a site
devoted to helping artists with the art of money.
Want 100% vegetable-free
vegetables that harness the power of meat? Get pork potatoes and lamb sprouts
here.
Can you be practical
and a radical? You can at The
Practical Radical.
George McGovern has
some Questions
for Mr. Bush.
If you had a choice
between doing something good for the planet or helping your rich buddies,
what would you do? Depends on if you're a decent human being or the enemy
of the earth.
Be sure to check out
this list of
Bush's accomplishments during his first year in office (so far).
The
Newspeak Alert is a great set of links to stories about the Bush agenda.
Surely you don't have
anything better to do than move
Ann Coulter's face around.
A very serious site
using extensive biblical research to show that guess who is the
anti-Christ.
Spielberg's new film
Bush the Destabilizer
looks pretty good.
Now's the time to start
your collection of Friendly
Dictator Trading Cards.
Attention all martyrs:
be sure to fill out the one-size
fits all suicide form.
What if leaders of the
world's major religions got together one day and denounced
all religious violence? Would you hear about it? I guess not.
Georgia Rep.
Cynthia McKinney (the only Democrat with balls) is calling for an investigation
into whether President Bush and other government officials had advance
notice of terrorist attacks on Sept. 11 but did nothing to prevent them.
Oops, there's another
Democrat with something to say. Check out the prayer
for America by United States Congressman Dennis J. Kucinich (D-Ohio).
In a ruling that's truly
from hell, an Italian
court has decreed that fathers must carry on supporting adult children
until they find a job "to their liking."
From the National Coalition
Against Censorship, check out this complete
list of all moves against free speech since 9/11
The Consumer Broadband
and Digital Television Promotion Act is a hideous anti-Internet and first
amendment monstrosity that will, among other things, make Linux illegal,
but no matter, Hollywood will make more money which is what's really important.
Jack Valenti (media whore) is for it. Read his
position, annotated by people who know what they're talking about.
Nazis used to hide in
Argentina. Torturers
now hide in the United States.
A complete list of allegations
against Bush along with links to back them up. Guaranteed some you've
never heard of.
FM sucks so listen to
Village Voice Radio.
Ever heard of SOAP (Simple
Object Access Protocol)? It may replace
HTTP so get used to it.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
