WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
May 6, 2002
5. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein
had
no comment concerning the death of Linda (Deep Throat) Lovelace
this week, but Bill Clinton has declared a national day of mourning.
4. "I really like those autopsy photos
of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes," said Benito Mussolini from the
3rd level of hell. "Keep 'em coming."
3. J.K. Rowlings can't finish the new
Harry Potter book so it's publication has been postponed till O.J. fesses
up.
2. Mariah Carey has been voted the
pop act people would most like to kick off the planet but they still won't
cancel "Friends."
And the number one people going to hell this
week?
1. Everyone who got a free subscription
to "Disinfotainment Today."
RELIGIOUS CEREMONY FROM HELL
According to the Washington
Post, when Ozzy Osbourne was asked by a reporter what he wanted to say
to the president at the White House Correspondent's dinner, he responded,
"I hengh heenth hunh president denngh hmmhmme heng."
"All our strengths were born as fears."
- Noah benShea -
"Nonsense is nonsense but the history
of nonsense is scholarship."
- Elie Wiesel -
"Well behaved women never make history."
- The Sweet Potato Queens -
"So what's the problem?"
- Michael Jackson on the crisis in
the Catholic Church -
LESBIAN FROM HELL
After Rancho Bernardo High school passed
a rule against girls wearing thong underwear, administrater Rita
Wilson forced girls to lift their clothes and show her their underwear
before allowing them to attend a dance.
BIOLOGICAL COINCIDENCE FROM HELL
Despite the fact you'd kill them if
you found them in your bathtub, "Spiderman" and "The Scorpion King" are
the number 1 & 2 films in the country.
QUIZ FROM HELL
Violence will continue in the mid-east
until...
a) Israelis feel safe.
b) Palestinians feel safe.
c) both Israelis and Palestinians
feel safe.
Congress just passed a resolution stating
that...
a) only Israelis have the right to
feel safe.
b) only Palestinians have the right
to feel safe.
c) both Israelis and Palestinians
have the right to feel safe.
ANSWERS: c) and a). Congress wants
the violence to continue.
HORNHOUND FROM FROM HELL
Want to be the star of "The Bachelor
2" on ABC? Just call (866) 739-3150.
PRODUCT FROM HELL
COUNTRY
SONG FROM HELL
Put That In Your Pipe Bomb
and Smoke It
Blowing up innocent people
Has quickly become déclassé
Put that in your pipe bomb
and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face
away.
Anonymous vengeance is awful
No matter what you have
to say.
Put that in your pipe bomb
and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face
away
How did your friends use
to call you?
Can idiot come out and play?
Put that in your pipe bomb
and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face
away.
You can turn into an artwork
Your brains can look like
a Monet.
Put that in your pipe bomb
and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face
away.
SITES FROM HELL
Mandatory reading: There
are signs of intelligent life in congress. Read Congressman Dennis Kucinich's
On
Stopping Open-ended, Permanent War on Terrorism.
Hey, guess what? Plowing
new ground towards turning America into a police state, the California
state Legislature has given police power to search your home without
telling you why.
Take a look at what the
greatest planetary alignment of the century will look like tonight,
May 6.
The first three months
of this year were the
warmest globally since records started being kept in 1860. You know
who likes it hot.
Bill Clinton is considering
hosting a new talk show, but he should not be the next Oprah. That's silly.
He should be the
next Ozzy.
Continuing in our efforts
to disenfranchise the whole planet, the U.S. has renounced two major international
treaties, including the Vienna Convention that requires signatory nations
like the United States to refrain from taking steps to undermine international
treaties they sign. We sure know how to make friends.
U.S agricultural policies
used to be only the second most reviled in the world. Now they're the
most reviled. Hurray.
Why fuck up Alaska when
we can fuck up Siberia? Hey, it's right across the Bering Strait. Find
out about Russian
oil.
Get some incredible free
wallpaper of new images from the Hubble Space Telescope.
Got problems with windows?
Does the Pope shit in the woods? Check out Annoyances.
The
Exile is a humor magazine out of Russia that makes fun of America.
Commie bastards. Don't miss the Singing Exile doing "Let Them Know It's
Christmas Time (Send them Crack).
Homeland Security Director
Tom Ridge placed the nation on "Red Alert" yesterday, stating that he had
received "credible evidence" that Americans were the targets of assaults
by operatives of a massive, highly-organized group of religious
fanatics based in Rome..."
Did you know that in
Montana, seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and
it is legal to shoot them, but in Tennessee you can't shoot any game other
than whales from a moving automobile? Check out the complete listings for
every state at Dumb Laws,
and find out where it's illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
Check out this
magnificent guide to satire around the world.
Are you queer? Are you
a duck? Then Queer Duck was
made for you.
Guess who's gutting the
Clean Water Act, changing the rules to allow coal companies to blow the
tops off of mountains to reach seams of coal, then dump millions of tons
of waste into nearby streams, burying them and killing all the animals
and plants that live there? Good guess. Now do
something about it.
And while you're at it,
why not let McDonalds
know that you think they should sell veggieburgers.
The Realist is dead but
this
selection of excerpts lives on.
PUZZLE FROM HELL
