Horror Story
By Michael Dare

It was the kind of phone call every film critic dreams about. Ten years ago, a producer called me and asked me if I'd like to direct a movie. Not just any producer, but a producer whose films I had trashed. I was cocky in my reviews, making it seem like I could do better. Now he was calling me on it. He had a low budget film, financing in place, ready to go into pre-production immediately. Though I had never directed before, he thought I would be perfect to try on the jodhpurs. Would I read the script? You bet.

When I got it, I discovered to my horror that it was a horror film. And not just any horror film, a blood and guts, senseless slaughter piece of crap, the kind that "Scream" eventually satirized to perfection, the kind of film I despised. Not being a COMPLETE idiot, I knew that this was the type of project that many of my favorite directors had cut their teeth on for Roger Corman, so despite the fact that I really hated the script, despite the fact that in print I had a reputation as a comic philosopher who thought such films were actually evil, I decided to desert my principles and my readers and do everything in my power to get this job. I had other scripts I REALLY wanted to do, and having some experience under my belt could only help.

When the producer called and asked me what I thought, I honestly told him that this wasn't the kind of film I wanted to make, this was the kind of film I wanted to prevent getting made. "What better way than by directing it" he told me.

What better way indeed. This put all of Hollywood into perspective for me, and might be the single most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me. How many scripts have been made by directors who were actually trying to prevent the film from getting made? "Heaven's Gate" springs to mind.

So a meeting was set between me, the producer, and the executive producer, the man who actually had the money and who would make the final decision as to my employment. I buckled down and made my notes.

The film was about a crazed killer knocking off students in a college. He was a Vietnam vet who worked as a short order cook. The first thing I thought of was that he should have a steel plate in his head, so that when he took orders, he could stick them to his forehead with a magnet. All right, this was going to be fun. I rewrote like a demon, turning all the senseless slaughter into creative senseless slaughter.

There was one scene where someone was beheaded. Someone comes along, finds the head, and screams. Big deal. I added a whole Rube Goldberg sequence in which the head flies out the window, bounces off a trampoline, and continues on a long ridiculous voyage till it eventually flies through a window and lands right between the shoulders of the body it was removed from, looking like nothing's wrong. Then someone comes along and, thinking the victim is just sleeping, tries to shake the body awake. They accidentally separate the head from the body and scream. Same scene but more reflective of my absurd sensibilities.

There was also a character who was humiliated by his friends by being forced to wear a negligee in public. It added up to nothing, just a dose of humiliation added to the mix. I decided that this character would decide that he liked it, and would wear nothing but women's clothing throughout the rest of the picture.

So the meeting came and I felt prepared. I met the executive producer, who was a very famous TV executive. I went into my pitch and I was on a roll. I had these guys in stitches for the next hour as they cracked up at every single one of my oddball ideas. I was sure I had the job.

Then the executive producer said "Those are all great ideas. You're obviously really talented. But..." I waited for the guillotine. "...It's not a comedy."

And that was it. I tried to explain that no, it wasn't a comedy, but that didn't mean it couldn't have humor. Little winks at the audience to let them know we're in on the joke. All great horror films have moments of humor to release the tension. Blah blah blah. It made no difference. I had shown them that I was a comedy guy, not a horror guy, that I didn't take the assignment seriously. I was out of a job.

The next day, the producer called me up and apologized. He thought all my ideas were great and that they should have used me but, c'est la vie. He also pointed out one little personal note that was the final nail in my coffin. The ex-TV executive was a apparently a very well known cross dresser. I had no idea of his reputation, but he thought I was making fun of him with my little change concerning the guy in the negligee. I guess I should have done more research.

The film eventually got made with another director AND another producer. It totally bombed. The director didn't even come close to doing the job of preventing it from getting made that I would have.