LIFESTYLES OF THE OLD AND CRANKY
THE ADVENTURES OF SLAPPY SQUIRREL
(Animaniacs Comic #32)
by Michael Dare

PAGE ONE

Panel 1: Slappy is in bed, happily asleep, her hair in curlers, cold cream on her face. A thought balloon reveals her dream. She is sleeping alone on a beach, the waves lapping at her toes.

Caption:          Squirrel dreams.

Panel 2: Skippy jumps on Slappy, pulling her blanket off. Slappy’s eyes bug out at this rude awakening.

Skippy:           COME ON AUNT SLAPPY, YOU GOTTA PACK MY LUNCH,
                       I’M GOING TO RAGING WALNUTS TODAY.

Panel 3: Skippy and Slappy are in the kitchen, Slappy in a tatty old robe. She is preparing a sandwich for Skippy, who bounces up and down.

SFX:              Boinng! Boinng!

Skippy:           I’M GOING TO RAGING WALNUTS. I’M GOING TO RAGING
                      WALNUTS! I’M GOING TO RAGING WALNUTS!

Slappy:           I THINK I GOT THE PICTURE. ENOUGH WITH THE RAGING
                  ALREADY. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT SOME COFFEE?
                  YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME ENERGY.

Panel 4: Slappy hands Skippy a lunch bag as he goes bouncing out the door.

Skippy:            LATER, AUNT SLAPPY.

Slappy:            HAVE A NICE DAY. DON’T DO ANYTHING I WOULD DO.

Panel 5: Slappy takes a leisurely bubble-bath, scrubbing her back with a brush and eating bon-bons at the same time.

Slappy:            ALONE AT LAST. THIS IS THE LIFE.

Panel 6: Slappy stands at the window with one towel wrapped around her head and one around her body. She is preparing to throw open the curtains.

Slappy:            I HAVEN’T HAD THIS MUCH PRIVACY SINCE I SENT OUT
                   THOSE INVITATIONS TO MY COMING OUT PARTY.

Slappy (connected):  A WHOLE DAY ALONE. THIS IS GOING TO BE HEAVEN.

PAGE TWO

Panel 1:  Title/Credit Panel. Slappy throws open the curtains. Her towel falls off. Outside there are dozens of tourists snapping pictures and pointing at her. Behind them, there’s a tour bus with a sign: “LIFESTYLES OF THE OLD AND CRANKY.”

Panel 2: Slappy comes out her front door and confronts the crowd, who are overjoyed to be seeing an actual star.

Slappy:             WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?

Little Boy:         MOMMY, WHO’S THAT?

Mother:             THAT’S SLAPPY SQUIRREL, HONEY.
                    SHE’S A VERY BIG STAR.

Panel 3: Slappy is flattered. She turns to the little boy and his mom while the Tour Guide steps out from the crowd.

Slappy:             THE BIGGEST, KID, LET ME TELL YOU.

Little Boy:         THEN HOW COME I NEVER HEARD OF YOU?

Tour Guide:         EXCUSE ME...

Panel 4:  Slappy turns to the Tour Guide while the Little Boy tugs at her tail.

Slappy:             WHO ARE YOU?

Tour Guide:         I’M THE TOUR GUIDE. AND THIS LITTLE BOY DOESN’T
                    BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY.

Little Boy:         I DON’T THINK YOU’RE A STAR AT ALL.

Slappy (connected): THEN HOW COME I GOT DOZENS OF AWARDS INSIDE?

Little Boy:         PROVE IT.

PAGE THREE

Panel 1: Slappy opens her front door, letting in the Little Boy and his Mamma, followed by the crowd, who are overwhelmed with curiosity.

Slappy:            I KNOW I’M GOING TO REGRET THIS.

Tourist:           OOOH, LOOK, A REAL SQUIRREL HOME.

Tourist:           THE FOLKS BACK HOME WILL NEVER BELIEVE IT.

Tour Guide:        I SHOULD BE CHARGING EXTRA.

Panel 2: Slappy leads the Little Boy and his Mamma to her trophy case as the rest of the tourists flock in.

Slappy:            SEE KID, THEY DON’T GIVE THESE FOR CRACKIN’ WALNUTS.

Little Boy:        THEY LOOK FAKE.

Tourist:           I NEVER KNEW SQUIRRELS LIVED LIKE THIS.

Tourist:           ONLY IN AMERICA.

Panel 3: A Tourist opens Slappy’s refrigerator and starts inspecting the food. Slappy turns from the trophy case and watches.

Tourist:           WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BUTTERMILK?

Slappy:            GET OUT OF THERE!

Panel 4:  Slappy slams the refrigerator door. Steam escapes from her ears as she sees the Little Boy climbing up the trophy case while another tourist knocks over her trash can.

Tourist:           I THOUGHT SQUIRREL’S ATE NUTS.

Tourist:           I DON’T THINK SHE’S A REAL SQUIRREL.

Tourist:           I BET IT’S A WIG.

Tourist:           LOOK AT THAT GARBAGE ALL OVER THE FLOOR

Panel 5: A tourist goes through Slappy’s medicine cabinet. Another Tourist goes through her laundry. The trophy case comes crashing to the floor. Slappy runs around hysterical.

SFX:                C-r-r-a-s-s-h!

Tourist:            I DIDN’T KNOW SQUIRRELS GOT HEARTBURN.

Tourist:            I WONDER IF ROBERT REDFORD’S HOUSE IS THIS MESSY.

Tourist:            WHAT KIND OF STAR SHOPS AT K-MART?

Slappy:             EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE!

PAGE FOUR

Panel 1:  Outside, the tourists leave the tree. The Tour Guide looks at his watch.

Tourist:            WHAT A GROUCH.

Little Boy:        SHE SURE IS OLD...

Mother:            AND CRANKY.

Tour Guide:        YOU GET WHAT YOU PAID FOR. NOW EVERYONE BACK ON
                   THE BUS.

Panel 2: Slappy has hastily constructed a souvenir stand. She is selling off some of her useless keepsakes, hoping to make a buck off the out-of-towners. She wears a fake mustache so they won’t recognize her. The sign reads “Genuine Slappy Souvenirs.”

Slappy:            GET ‘EM WHILE THEY LAST. ACTUAL PIECES OF THE
                   HOME OF SLAPPY SQUIRREL THAT YOU DEMOLISHED.

Panel 3: The Tourists ignore the Tour Guide and line up at the souvenir stand. One tourist picks up a trinket.

Tourist:           WHAT’S THIS?

Tourist:           IT’S A BAUBLE.

Slappy:            THAT’S NOT A BAUBLE, IT’S A TRINKET.

Tourist (connected): I’LL TAKE IT.

Slappy (connected): IT’S YOURS. JUST LET ME WRAP IT FOR YOU.

Panel 4: Slappy wraps the bauble, putting a stick of dynamite in the bag too.

Panel 5: The Tourist takes the bag. Other tourists gather round, waving dollar bills. The Tour Guide watches, disgusted.

Slappy:             I’M SURE YOU’LL GET A BANG OUT OF THIS.

Tourist:            I WANT ONE TOO.

Tourist:            GIMME GIMME GIMME.

Slappy (connected): HOLD YOUR HORSES. THERE’S ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY.

PAGE FIVE

Panel 1: The Tourists go towards the bus, bags in hand, but the tour guide has set up an even more elaborate souvenir stand. His sign reads “Official and Much Nicer Slappy Souvenirs.”

Tour Guide:          GET YOUR SOUVENIRS HERE. QUALITY MERCHANDISE
                     AVAILABLE NOWHERE ELSE.

Panel 2: Slappy is first in line. The Tourists crowd behind her. The Tour Guide picks up a pen and shows it to the crowd.

Slappy:              LEMME SEE WHAT YOU GOT HERE. WHAT’S THIS.

Tour Guide:          IT’S A ONE OF A KIND SLAPPY SQUIRREL PEN.

Panel 3: In his hand is one of those pens that moves when you turn it upside down. It’s a picture of Slappy. When he turns it upside down, her towel falls off.

Tour Guide (off):    RELIVE SLAPPY’S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT.

Panel 4: The Tourists go crazy, buying up everything the Tour Guide has to sell.

Tourist:             ME. ME. ME.

Tourist:             I WANT ONE TOO.

Tourist:             I’LL TAKE TEN.

Panel 5: The Tourists all get back in the bus, throwing the souvenirs they bought from Slappy into a trash can. Slappy looks very sad.

Slappy:              BUT....WAIT...I...

Panel 6: The Tour Bus takes off. The trash can explodes. Slappy heads back to her tree.

SFX:                 Ka-boooom!

Slappy:             DARN, THAT WAS MY FAVORITE TRASH CAN. OH WELL,
                    AT LEAST I’M ALONE AGAIN. MAYBE I CAN DO SOME
                    KNITTING.

PAGE SIX

Panel 1: Slappy is peacefully sitting in her cozy chair, knitting a sweater. Outside the window, we see another tour bus has pulled up. Another crowd of annoying tourists peeks in through Slappy’s window

Tourist:            WOW, A REAL TREEHOUSE.

Tourist:            I DIDN’T KNOW SQUIRRELS COULD KNIT.

Slappy:             NOT AGAIN!

Panel 2:  Slappy goes through a chest and pulls out what looks like a bazooka with a spinning spiral at the end. It says on the side “Acme Hypnotizer.”

Slappy:             THIS CALLS FOR DESPERATE MEASURES.

Panel 3: Slappy emerges from her front door with the Hypnotizer in hand. The crowd gathers around, entranced.

SFX:                Bzzzzzzrrrrrrrp.

Slappy:             ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY LOOK HERE. YOU ARE NOT REAL
                    PEOPLE, YOU ARE JUST CHARACTERS IN A COMIC BOOK.

Panel 4: The tourists all panic. The frames of the panel become jail bars from which they try to escape.

Tourist:            OH MY GOD, I’M TWO DIMENSIONAL!

Tourist:            HOW DID I GET IN HERE?

Tourist:            I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY’S READING ME!

Tourist:            HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE “Bzzzzzzrrrrrrrp?”

Panel 5: Slappy snaps her fingers. The tourists pile back into the bus.

SFX:                 Snap!

Slappy:              THAT’S RIGHT. BACK TO THE REAL WORLD.

Tourist:             WHAT IS REALITY?

PAGE SEVEN

Panel 1: Slappy is going through her chest again.

Slappy:             THIS TIME I’M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.

Panel 2: Slappy stands in the middle of the road putting up a roadblock and a detour sign.

Slappy:             THIS OUGHTA STOP ‘EM.

Panel 3: Slappy is hammering together a tollbooth by the side of the road. The sign reads “$20 toll.”

Slappy:             AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK...

Panel 4: Slappy is blowing up a giant inflatable police car.

Panel 5: Slappy is installing spikes across the middle of the road.

Slappy:             HOW ABOUT SOME SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE?

PAGE EIGHT

Panel 1: The next tour bus comes along. It swerves, narrowly avoiding the spikes in the road, and plowing straight through the roadblock.

SFX:               Cra-a-a-sh!

SFX:               Screeeeech!

Panel 2: The driver of the tour bus neatly blows up the tollbooth with a bazooka.

SFX:               Ker-Blooey!

Panel 3: As the bus passes by, a passenger leans out a window with a needle and pops the balloon police car.

SFX:               Pop!

Panel 4: Slappy stands in front of her tree as the bus pulls up and the passengers and driver get off.

Slappy:            HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

Panel 5: While the tourists gather around her tree, the driver shows her a pamphlet he’s got called “Maps to Severe Tire Damage.”

PAGE NINE

Panel 1: The Tour Guide shows the tourists around while Slappy stands aside.

Tour Guide:        AND HERE WE HAVE THE HOME OF SLAPPY SQUIRREL,
                   ONE OF THE OLDEST AND CRANKIEST.

Slappy:            IT’S TIME TO TRY SOMETHING MORE SEVERE THAN
                   TIRE DAMAGE.

Panel 2: Slappy is underneath the bus planting a device attached to dynamite.

Slappy:             NOW IF THEY SPEED, THEY’LL REALLY BE IN TROUBLE.

Panel 3: The tourists get back in the bus. Slappy waves good-bye.

Slappy:             SO LONG. HAVE A NICE TRIP.

Panel 4: Slappy stands at her front door. Off in the distance, there’s an explosion.

SFX:                Bla-a-a-a-m!

Slappy:             DYNAMITE, THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.

PAGE TEN

Panel 1: Slappy is watching television when Skippy arrives home.

Skippy:             HI AUNT SLAPPY, HOW WAS YOUR DAY? DID YOU GET
                    ENOUGH PRIVACY?

Panel 2: Slappy points out the window at another tour bus that has arrived.

Slappy:             DO YOU SEE THAT BUS?

Skippy:             YEAH?

Slappy (connected)  DO YOU SEE THAT BUTTON OVER THERE?

Skippy (connected): YEAH?

Slappy (connected): PUSH IT.

Panel 3: Skippy pushes the button. Dynamite explodes under the bus.

SFX:                Bla-a-a-a-m!

Panel 4: The bus flies through space, past the moon, towards Mars.

Panel 5: A bunch of scientists sit around a control room. A sign reads “Jet Propulsion Laboratory.” The scientists are pulling their hair out. On a screen in front of them they see the Mars Pathfinder emerging from the landing vehicle, showing their first glimpse of the Martian landscape, which contains a tour bus.

Slappy insert:     NOW THAT’S COMEDY!
 

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