The Jenny McCarthy Hearings

by Michael Dare

Prototype script for Histeria!

Jenny McCarthy is at the beach hosting her television show when she is approached by a man with a subpoena. She is put in a car and taken to a hall of justice.

She enters a room with a long bench full of Senate investigators, and dozens of lawyers and newspeople. Hundreds of flashbulbs go off as she enters the room.

SENATOR

Ms. McCarthy, I believe we can keep this

brief. We have only one question. Are you

now, or have you ever been, a beach bimbo?

JENNY

What? That's ridiculous, I...

Her attorney puts his hand over her microphone.

ATTORNEY

I've advised my client not to answer that

question, and I'd also like to point out that

this hearing is a travesty of justice...

The crowd gets riled up.

SENATOR

Order in the court. Now Ms. McCarthy, we

have actual photographs of you running on

the beach in a bikini. Congressman, would

you roll the film?

A film gets shown. All the men in the audience turn into wolves and howl.

SENATOR

Now that WAS you, was it not Ms. McCarthy?

JENNY

Yes, it was, but...

SENATOR

Then you admit that you have appeared, at the

beach, wearing nothing but... a bikini?

JENNY

Yes, but...

SENATOR

Then how can you say that you are not a beach

bimbo?

ATTORNEY

Senator, I believe what my client is trying to say

is that "bimbo" is a derogatory term for someone

who is not intelligent. Ms. McCarthy is obviously

very intelligent.

Everyone in the room looks at her. She thinks very hard to come up with something intelligent to say.

JENNY

I've got my own television show.

The whole room applauds with shouts of "Yeah!" and "We love you!"

SENATOR

Quiet down.

The place quiets down. Everyone looks to the Senator for him to make a decision. He thinks good and hard. Finally...

SENATOR

Let's look at that film again.

The room bursts into applause once again. The film of Jenny running down the beach in a bikini is started. To the sound of wolf whistles and cat calls, Jenny sneaks out of the room.

THE END

This is basically our version of "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"
from Monty Python. Every once in a while, when they least expect it,
someone will show up with a subpoena and take a character away, where
they will be seriously questioned about something totally innocuous.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE:

SENATOR

Mr. Fudd, do you now, or have you ever had,

milk coming out of your nose?

FUDD

That's widiculous, I've never had milk coming

out of my nose.

SENATOR

But Mr. Fudd, we have actual photographs of

you with milk coming out of your nose.

FUDD

That's not me! It's an impostor! It's camewa

twickewy! You're twying to wailwoad me!

SENATOR

Take him away...

Back to Histeria!