Note: Some scenes described here will actually be shot, but most will be lifted from already existing movies and stock footage.

EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT

Intense modern rock music. The wind blows, and far off in the distance, a wolf howls and a train chugs by.

A shot rings out.

Someone screams.

Blood drips on a carpet.

A tape is ejected from a VCR.

A train chugs by.

Footsteps.

The tape is put in a black cassette case.

A car is started.

A man in an overcoat and hat peeks out of a doorway and scurries down a gloomy, underlit street.

A truck screeches around a corner.

A telephone operator is very busy. She speaks into a microphone.

        OPERATOR
It's an all points bulletin!

A truck screeches around a corner. A police car follows.

Footsteps.

A truck screeches around a corner. A police car follows. A package is thrown out of the truck onto the sidewalk.

Hands grab the package.

The man in the overcoat picks up the package and runs down an alley.

A wolf howls.

Tires screech around a corner.

The back of the truck opens up, revealing a gangster with a machine gun. He starts firing.

The cop car swerves. It loses a hubcap.

The hubcap goes spinning down the street.

Footsteps.

Machine gun fire.

Glass breaks.

The gas tank of a parked car is hit by a bullet. Gasoline spills into the street.

Footsteps.

A woman, leaning against a lamp post, lights a cigarette.

The man in the overcoat rounds a corner.

The woman throws her match to the ground. It is still lit.

The woman reaches into her purse, removes a gun, and shoots the man.

The gasoline in the gutter approaches the lit match.

The man falls to the sidewalk with his hand in the gutter.

The cop car runs over a fire hydrant.

Machine gun fire.

The woman reaches into the dead man's overcoat and removes...a video cassette in a black box. She puts it in her purse and starts walking away.

The gasoline gets even closer to the lit match.

Suddenly, the man grabs the woman's ankle. He's not dead.

The hydrant sprays.

She falls to the ground and starts crawling away.

The gasoline gets right up to the lit match.

The man pulls a knife out of his pocket and crawls after her. He pulls at her feet and grabs for her purse.

The water from the hydrant puts out the match just before the gasoline arrives.

The purse spills open, scattering debris across the sidewalk.

She grabs for the cassette. He does too, and misses.

She crawls towards a doorway with an open mail slot.

He stabs at her. She's bleeding. She drags herself to the nearest doorway and drops the cassette in the slot, right before the man stabs her again, and dies himself.

The cops show up and find the two mysteriously intertwined dead bodies.

The sign above the mail slot says - NIGHT DROP.

Camera pulls back to reveal the door is in a video shop. MY VIDEO SHOP.
 

CUT TO COMMERCIAL:

INT. VIDEO STORE - MORNING

COLIN, the cranky proprietor of the establishment, turns on the lights and looks around. He's wearing flashy pants and a "Fear No Art" T-shirt. He seems to be searching for something, then he discovers the camera. He talks to it while going about his morning chores.

        COLIN
Hi, I'm COLIN QUINN and this is my video shop. My shop is the best video shop on earth, believe me. It's just too bad you don't live in Lottamoney, Iowa so that you could be one of my lucky customers.

He picks up a cardboard box full of tapes near the front door.

        COLIN
I let my customers return their tapes at night when the store is closed. Don't you think that's a good idea? And I don't charge them for the next day either.

He dumps the tapes on the front counter.

        COLIN
So the first thing I gotta do every morning is bring in all the tapes that were returned last night, and then put them back on the shelves.

He sifts through the tapes.

        COLIN
Which really bores me, so I'll let someone else do it later.

There's a knock at the door. COLIN looks at it and sees a very wimpy looking guy standing outside.

        COLIN
Shit, it's the wimp. I gotta go let him in, he's my favorite customer. He always rents what I want him to rent. Watch this.

He unlocks the door for the wimpy customer.

        WIMP
I know what tape I want.

        COLIN
Sure you do.

        WIMP
I do, I really do. I know exactly what tape I want, and I know exactly where it is, too.

        COLIN
Right.

        WIMP
I'll go get it.

        COLIN
Take your time, I gotta talk to these guys.
(pointing to camera)

The wimp scurries off while COLIN goes back to the front desk.

        COLIN
So anyway, now my lovely assistant Traci...

Traci enters the picture. Her appearance makes it obvious why COLIN has hired her.

        TRACI
Hi.

        COLIN
...is going to open boxes with a very sharp knife so we can see what new tapes came in this week, right Traci?

        TRACI
Right.

        WIMP
Excuse me, but I'd like to rent this, please.

        COLIN
I'll be right back, Traci.

        TRACI
Don't hurt yourself.

COLIN quickly switches his attention to the tape the wimp is renting. He grunts in disgust.

        COLIN
Out of Africa? Are you kidding? You're gonna rent Out of Africa? Are you out of your mind? Here, let me save you some time...

He rips the videotape out of the wimp's hand, opens it, and sticks into in his VCR.

Close-up: TV screen

TITLE: "Out of Africa (in One Minute)"

The entire film goes by in fast-motion while COLIN describes it to us.

        COLIN
    (V.O.)
There's this stuck-up chick with a weird accent, you see? And she promises this guy who looks like a wolverine that she'll marry him, but for some reason or another they've got to go to Africa to do it. When she gets there, this other dude keeps showing up, and he doesn't look like a wolverine. They fall in movie love, and together they fly through some clouds and shoot some animals. Then her husband shows up and gives her a dose of something she really don't want, and that sort of screws up this thing she's got going with what's his name. Eventually, one of them dies, I don't remember which, and then a lion pisses on their grave. Basically, if you're like a flamingo freak or something, you'll really dig this, but otherwise...eject!.

CUT TO:

COLIN, standing in front of the VCR. He turns to the wimp and threatens him.

        COLIN
You like flamingos, pal?

        WIMP
(scared to death)
Nope. Hate 'em.

        COLIN
What about lawn flamingos?

        WIMP
Especially lawn flamingos.

        COLIN
Good.

COLIN leads the man to another part of the store, where he pulls a tape off a shelf.

        COLIN
    (CONTD.)
Lemme tell you something. You don't wanna see Out of Africa, you really don't. But here's a tape you should know about. It's called Deathstalker II. I know it sounds terrible, but you're wrong, it's worse, which means it's great. It's a man's movie, full of violence and naked women. You like violence, don't you?

        WIMP
Well...

COLIN punches him on the arm.

        COLIN
Sure you do. And you like naked women, don't you?

        WIMP
In the right place at the right time.

        COLIN
Good, so you'll get off on this, man, believe me.

        WIMP
Umm, I don't think so, I really want to see...

        COLIN
Are you out of your mind? Don't you realize what I'm saying? Let me give it to you straight. Out of Africa is for wimps. You don't want people to think you're a wimp, do you?

        WIMP
No.

        COLIN
Then trust me, nobody will ever think you're a wimp if you rent Deathstalker II.

        WIMP
Are you sure?

        COLIN
Hey, would I lie to you? Do I value you as a steady customer? Of course.

He puts the tape into a bag and the wimp signs the receipt.

        WIMP
Thank you.

The wimp leaves and COLIN returns his attention to Traci, who has apparently been very hard at work. Dozens of boxes are opened, and all the new tapes are stacked neatly at the desk. She's clearly done hours of work in just a few minutes.

        COLIN
    (to the camera)
Now you know why I keep her around.
    (to Traci)
Good job, Traci.

Johnson comes in and sits at the computer.

        COLIN
This is my main computer man, Johnson. Say hey Johnson.

Johnson is young, black, and computer literate.

        JOHNSON
Don't touch the computers, man. You touch the computers, I'm out of here.

        COLIN
Who, me? Not on your life. Why don't you tell the folks what kind of set-up we got.

        JOHNSON
We've got every tape in stock indexed and cross referenced, I can tell you who did what when, who they did it with, who shot it, and what else they shot. By the way, can you name the only two actors in history to win Academy awards on different years for playing the same part?

        COLIN
I'll have to think about it.
    (to the camera)
If you know what actors won academy awards for playing the same part, put it on a postcard and send it to this address. Every viewer who sends in a correct postcard will receive, absolutely free, in the mail, one of the losing postcards. You'll love it. It'll be great. You'll set it on fire and leave it in the ashtray.

By this time, several customers are roaming the store. One approaches the desk.

        CUSTOMER
Excuse me, have you got Three Men and a Baby?

        COLIN
Can't you read? Come here.

COLIN leads the customer to the front door, where there is a picture of Steve Guttenberg with a red circle and a diagonal line across it.

        COLIN
You recognize this? It's the universal sign for "No Steve Guttenbergs allowed." That means we don't have Police Academy or Bad Medicine or Short Circuit or any other films graced by the presence of Mr. Guttenberg. Not that those films would have been any good without him, but with him they're unwatchable.

        CUSTOMER
What about Diner?

        COLIN
What are you, a smart ass? Okay, okay, Diner is a good film and Steve Guttenberg is in it. But it still would have been a better film if Steve Guttenberg weren't in it. I know it was a tough choice, but I had to stick by my principles. No Steve Guttenberg films allowed in the store, I'm sorry.

        CUSTOMER
What about Ted Danson? I wanted to see him in Three Men and a Baby.

        COLIN
You're a Ted Danson fan, huh? You're a man of discerning taste, I can tell. How about Creepshow? That's my favorite Ted Danson film because he gets killed horribly.

        CUSTOMER
Well...

        COLIN
Don't worry, you'll love it. You like Ted Danson, don't you?

        CUSTOMER
Yeah...

        COLIN
Great, here's Creepshow, and I'll throw in Creepshow II for nothing because that's what it's worth. All right, you happy?

        CUSTOMER
I'll let you know tomorrow.

He leaves just as Herbie Hind enters. He is a sweaty little man in a mustache and outdated suit. He steps up to the counter.

        HERBIE
Excuse me, are you the owner of the store?

        COLIN
Who wants to know?

        HERBIE
My name is Hind, Herbie Hind, I own a little company that distributes specialty videos. I was wondering if I could show you some of our products?

COLIN turns around and puts on a suit and tie. Now he looks like a store manager.

        COLIN
I tell you what, why don't you just leave a catalog that I can look at later.

Herbie quickly looks through one pocket.

        HERBIE
You know, I must have left my catalogs at that last store, but I will send one to you as soon as I get back to the office. Meanwhile, I thought you should know that I'm having a special, just today, on these two videos that I got boxes of out in the car. I can let you have them on consignment, you just pay me when you sell them.

        COLIN
Yeah? What kind of tapes?

        HERBIE
They're specialty items, they're only for certain customers, but those customers will love you forever.

He hands a couple of tapes to COLIN

        COLIN
How to Open a Der Weinershnitzel Franchise?

        HERBIE
See what I mean? It's not for everyone. But for that one guy who's been looking to go into business for himself, this tape could open up whole new horizons.

        COLIN
I bet. What about this one, Video Shoe Salesman?

        HERBIE
Just what it says. Some people have got a thing about their feet. They watch this tape and it calms them down, it makes them feel good about themselves.

        COLIN
You mean this whole tape is actually ninety minutes of a guy looking down and saying "I think it fits you perfectly, can I show it to you in a different color?"

        HERBIE
Basically, yeah, that's it. But like I said, and you've got to trust me on this, whatever it is, there's someone out there who is into it. And you're in the position to make that person very happy. Now I want you to ask yourself, are you the type of businessman who is willing to go out there and find those people, and get them together with these specialty tapes that they didn't even know they needed? Because if you are, I'm ready to do business.

        COLIN
Whoa now, slow down. Who do you think you're talking to? You're looking at a professional, pal. I got a discerning clientele, you know what I mean? And I pride myself on having something in stock for everybody. You leave me some of your tapes, I'll put them up front for one day, and we'll see what happens.

        HERBIE
Thank you, you won't regret it. I'll be right back.

He heads out the door just as Johnson spins away from the computer.

        JOHNSON
Everything is entered and ready for the shelves.

        COLIN
Great, we'll look through them after these commercials when we get to the point of the show.
    (to Traci)
You wanna take a break?

        TRACI
Whip me, beat me, tell me that you love me.

        COLIN
    (to the camera)
Don't hurry back.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL:

INT. VIDEO SHOP

        COLIN
And now here's my favorite part of the show. Cut to me...

CUT TO:

TITLE: COLIN'S CORNER

COLIN is in another location. (A mountaintop? A stage?) This is COLIN's version of Andy Rooney; each week he talks about some stupid thing that pisses him off.

        COLIN
You know what pisses me off?

        LOTS OF PEOPLE
    (V.O.)
What pisses you off?

        COLIN
What pisses me off is those commercials for television sets where they show you a picture on their TV and say "Look how good this looks." I mean how can it look any better than the picture on the set you're looking at it on? I imagine some bozo sitting at home going "Wow, that picture looks great. It's much better than the picture on my set." I mean come on now.

BACK TO:

THE VIDEO SHOP

An irate customer, Ella Snofury, enters the store and comes up to
COLIN.

        ELLA
Excuse me, I rented this tape yesterday on your recommendation. I don't know how you could you rent me this piece of filth?

        COLIN
What are you talking about? This is Midnight Run. It's fantastic.

        ELLA
Every other word out of that actor's mouth was an obscenity, and I don't want my children to hear people talk like that.

Another customer, Lou Smorels, comes up to the desk.

        LOU
Excuse me, what tape is that woman complaining about?

        COLIN
Midnight Run. It offended her.

        LOU
I'll take it.

COLIN checks out the tape for Lou while talking to Ella.

        COLIN
Look, lady, I didn't know you had children or I would have rented you something like Snow White,
    (to the camera)
or Don't Kill Mama.

        ELLA
I would appreciate it if you paid more attention to the specific needs of your customers instead of just kissing up to the camera all the time. I want to rent a film that will keep my children occupied without teaching them how to talk like Lenny Bruce.

        COLIN
All right, just shut up. Geez, am I supposed to be psychic? Can I tell what color underwear you're wearing? No, of course not. There are a lot of things I don't know about you. Why don't you tell me absolutely everything about yourself and drive all the other customers out of the store? I bet that would be real interesting. The children's section is this way. I'll show you.

He leads her towards the right part of the store when he's interrupted by another customer, Ira Pulse.

        IRA
Excuse me, do you have a film called Starchamber? I looked under drama and suspense and I couldn't find it.

        COLIN
    (to Ella)
I'll meet you over there under the sign that says "Children."

        ELLA
Thank you.

COLIN turns his attention to Ira.

        COLIN
Here at the video shop, we try to look for interesting themes. A lot of stores have a Clint Eastwood section or a James Bond section. We've got a Don Calfa section. You know a lot of people think of Starchamber as a Michael Douglas film, but here at the video shop it's filed in the Don Calfa section.

        IRA
Who is Don Calfa?

Montage of scenes from the films of Don Calfa, who has played dozens of raving lunatics. You'd recognize him instantly.

        COLIN
        (V.O.)
What do all these movies have in common? Absolutely nothing except Don Calfa is in all of them. I love this guy. I got a special section just for him.

COLIN points out the section to the customer, then wanders back to Ella in the children's section.

        COLIN
Now let me get this straight. You want something your kids can watch that you don't have to, or do you want something that you can both watch.

        ELLA
How about one of each.

He picks up two tapes and walks back to the desk.

        COLIN
You got it. Here's Tom Thumb. I know it's old, but it has aged well. Watch it with your kids and you'll have a great time. And here's Willow. Your kids will love it because they won't notice that everything is ripped off of something else, but you'll hate it. It's perfect. You can sit your kid in front of the TV and go do dishes during this one.

She checks out the tapes.

        ELLA
Thank you, I hope you're right.

She leaves.

        COLIN
I'm sure you'll let me know.
    (to the camera)
All right, remember when I told you that this show had a purpose? We're there now. Here's how it goes. First of all, I assume you have a VCR. I mean why are you watching a show about videotapes if you don't have a machine to watch them on, right? So now I want all of you to find a blank tape, put it in your machine, and get ready to tape something. It will only be about five seconds long, and you won't be able to see it unless you tape it. I know this is a surprise, so I'll ramble for a minute while you scramble. You already know that video is made up of thirty frames per second, don't you? Of course you do. You're not an idiot, right? So your machine has got a freeze frame button, and a frame forward button, and probably a slow motion button, am I wrong? Of course not. There are so many new tapes coming out every week that this show would have to be two hours long to tell you about all of them. So we're going to show them to you a frame at a time. Get ready for a data burst, it will make no sense at all when you watch it now, but it will be over fast. Luckily, if you tape it and look at it later, you will find complete listings of every tape we've talked about or shown on the show, plus a lot of other stuff that you'll just have to see, like contests and questionnaires. Are you ready, tapers? Put your machine in record right now. Here comes the data burst. Five...four...three...two...one...blast off.

*********DATA BURST*********
Five seconds. Thirty frames a second. The possibilities are endless for putting together a 150 page video magazine, full of features, interviews, contests, ads, and extensive listings.
*****************************

        COLIN
Great, huh? Well wait till the show is over to look at it, will you please? I've got something else I want to show you now.

He puts a tape in the store VCR and shows a full minute of intense, mind-boggling, computer animation.

        COLIN
    (V.O.)
Yow! All right. That is good stuff. You probably thought that I was just a sarcastic son of a bitch who didn't really like anything, but there are some tapes I love. This is The Art of Computer Animation, which is available on Pacific Arts Video. You should buy it, you should rent it, you should steal it, you know what I'm saying? You gotta grab your friends and shove their noses in front of your set and show them this tape and blow their minds. Okay? This is COLIN talking, so you know it's true.

He turns off the VCR and gets back to work. He continues looking through the new tapes.

        COLIN
Let's see what we got here. We got another copy of Dominick and Eugene, which we needed since our one copy is always out. We got Deepstar Six which wasn't as good as Leviathan. Got that too. You rent Deepstar Six and Leviathan, you get The Abyss thrown in for free. I've even got some movies you can't rent without other movies. For instance you can't rent Alien unless you also take Bambi. It's sort of a cosmic yin and yang. We want happy, healthy customers.

All the customers in the store look at him like he's out of his mind.

        COLIN
All right, all right, gimme a break. I mean this is still the best video store on earth, isn't it?

The customers all look at each other and shrug.

        COLIN
Come on, guys. Have you ever seen a store with more tapes. I've got everything. No kidding. EVERYTHING.
    (to the camera)
You know what pisses me off?

        ALL THE CUSTOMERS
What else pisses you off?

    COLIN
What pisses me off is video stores that will sell the last copy of some movie. Then you go in to rent it and they don't have it and they'll never have it again because they needed the shelf space for Rocky XVII. That never happens at my video shop. I know, I know, you think I'm full of it, right? This place doesn't look big enough to hold all those tapes. But lemme show you something.

COLIN walks to the back wall and pushes a shelf. Behind it there's another room. (Actually, a blue screen.)

Insert: The final shot of Raiders of the Lost Ark; an enormous warehouse where the ark is being stored. The camera keeps pulling back to reveal a storehouse that seems to go on forever.

BACK TO:

        COLIN
I never throw anything away.

He closes the shelf. A NUN steps up to the register.

        NUN
I'd like to buy this tape, please

        COLIN
Didn't you hear what I was just saying? That is my last copy of The Sound of Music, and even though it makes me barf, I will not sell it because it rents, once, every millennium.

        NUN
But I'm going to the Vatican next week, and I'd like to give it as a gift to the Pope.

        COLIN
Then why don't you just rent it and make an illegal dupe of it and give that to the Pope, because I ain't selling it to you, got it?

        NUN
But that would be...
    (PAUSE)
I'd like to rent this tape please.

        COLIN
Now you're talking.

COLIN starts working on the transaction, when he suddenly looks up at the Nun suspiciously.

        COLIN
You're going to keep this, aren't you?

The Nun denies it just a little bit too fast.

        NUN
No!

        COLIN
Yes you are. I can see it in your eyes. You're going to rent this, and keep it, and give it to the pope, and I'm never going to see it again.

        NUN
I beg your pardon, I was going to do what you said, I was going to make a dope of it.

        COLIN
Yeah, right. Do I look like a chump, sister? I'm sorry, but you better rent this somewhere else, now get out of here.

The nun leaves the store in a huff.

        COLIN
The nerve of that dame.

COLIN turns to his desk and reads through the list of tapes that have come in. We see fast scenes from several of them, while COLIN makes snide comments.

        COLIN
Anyway, some of these look good, and some will rent a lot despite the fact they're terrible. Here's They Live, John Carpenter's new movie, only got one copy, I'm saving it for someone.

He puts it under the desk.

        COLIN
Let's see, we also got three copies of Gorillas in the Mist...

        CUSTOMER #1
I'll take it.

        CUSTOMER #2
I'll take it.

        CUSTOMER #3
I'll take it.

        CUSTOMER #4
I'll take it.

He wraps up all three tapes and gives them to the first three customers. He looks at the dejected 4th customer and consoles him.

        COLIN
I'm sorry, but that's what always happens when some big new movie comes out, you go to the store to get it and all the copies are already rented. I tell you what I'll do. Now Gorillas in the Mist is worth seeing, don't get me wrong, but it's really all right if your store is out of it. Just rent Never Cry Wolf instead. It's exactly the same movie, only with wolves instead of gorillas, and it's one of my favorite films. Your store has probably got it in because it's a few years old. Here are some scenes from it.

He puts the tape into the VCR.

        COLIN
    (V.O.)
It was directed by Carol Ballard, who made The Black Stallion, so it looks okay, am I right?

The scene ends.

        COLIN
    (to customer #4)
So I'm gonna do you a favor, pal. I'm gonna rent you Never Cry Wolf at half price, just because you didn't get the tape you wanted, and because I'm such a nice guy.

        CUSTOMER #4
God bless you.

He leaves.

        COLIN
Let's see what else has come in.

He continues going through the new arrivals.

        COLIN
Hmmm, here's Leviathan. You know, this film was pretty good, but there was something wrong with it. Basically, all it needed was a theme song by Vic Damone.

He puts the tape into the VCR and sings a new theme song, sounding like the world's lousiest Vegas lounge singer.

        COLIN
    (V.O.)
Leviathan
You're just Alien underwater
Leviathan
But you still look good to me
because you've got Amanda Pays
whose clothes get really wet
And you've got an ugly monster
with a plan that he'll regret
Leviathan
Not as good as The Abyss
Leviathan
But don't give it a miss
Because some parts are scary
though some parts are inane
It's a lot of fun to sit through
So join this last refrain of
Leviathan
Leviathan
Leviathan

He turns off the tape.

        COLIN
Well, that's the end of the show. So remember, don't go to a movie tonight, don't get dressed up, don't go to a concert or a play, don't treat yourself to a nice evening out. Stay home and watch a video tape. This is Colin Quinn and, like The Terminator says...

Shot from The Terminator.

        SCHWARZENEGGER
I'll be back.

FINAL CREDITS