Welcome to the very first
issue of the San Fernando Valley Weekly. (Insert picture of handsome devil
here) I'm your publisher, Jan de Grat. (Insert picture of slovenly goatherd
here) I'm your editor, Michael Dare.
We're going to rip you away from the
commonplace and snap you into realities you have yet to discover. We're
going to enlighten you, piss you off, and turn you on. We're not going
to be another version of something else because we're not like anyone else
you've ever met. We don't blindly accept ANYTHING. We're not corporate
owned or beholden to anybody but our own sense of inner justice and humor.
We're going to make you laugh at things you didn't think were funny and
we're going to make you cry at things you didn't know were sad.
We are the alternative. We are the
opposition. What are we opposed to? Whatayuh got?
We're opposed to lies. We're skeptics.
You can't put anything over on us. We're opposed to cover-ups. We're opposed
to rewriting the past to suit the future. We've got nothing against whores
who sell sex but are vehemently opposed to media whores who shill for the
elite. We're opposed to anybody who puts his or her own personal needs
ahead of the needs of mankind. We're opposed to Republicans, Democrats,
liberals, and conservatives. We're opposed to easy labels. We think for
ourselves. We think anyone who blindly follows another's ideology is an
idiot. We think terrorism is a tactic and that a war against a tactic is
moronic. We think we have real enemies and they're not who you might think
they are.
Our news coverage is going to be 50%
local and 50% global. The global part will in fact be national news but
from a global perspective. We're going to tell you what the world thinks
about what we're doing.
We're Americans. One of us is Indian
but doesn't own a casino; the other is Jewish but sympathetic to the Palestinians.
We love America but think our country is broken and needs to be fixed.
We're in favor of the San Fernando
Valley seceding not only from Los Angeles but from the United States. We're
in favor of decriminalizing all drugs and victimless crimes, abolishing
ALL political contributions, making all government officials divest themselves
of ANY stocks or bonds they may hold before taking office and putting their
money into a standard savings account, changing the national anthem to
"This Land is Your Land," and a whole lot more fun stuff.
We're against the death penalty except
for Fox TV executives, government interference in our personal lives, utility
companies, having to change our clocks twice a year, every law in the books
that hasn't proven its efficiency, and a whole lot more nasty stuff.
One of the things that's broken is
the media. We're going to be a problem to those hiding their agenda. We're
going to offer actual solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems. We
are radical in every sense of the word, and if we ever slip into the commonplace,
we expect you to kick our ass. We're not out to make you feel safe. We
want to rattle your bones and wake you up to the New World.
We're going to take on big business.
Allow us to remind you that the American Heritage Dictionary of the English
Language defines fascism as "A philosophy or system of government that
advocates or exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right, typically through
the merging of state and business leadership, together with an ideology
of belligerent nationalism." Sound like anyone you know? Gee, I wonder
why they didn't mention "court appointed with lack of a democratic mandate?"
We're anti-fascist, so there's no way we can take on big business without
also taking on big government and the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire).
Speaking of big government, we'd like
to take this opportunity to say hi to John Ashcroft. How you doin', dude?
Eavesdropped on any nice statues lately? Welcome aboard and thank you for
monitoring us. The more, the merrier.
We're going to give back to the community
and try to take back the streets from hoodlums, whether they work for gangs
or the powers that be. We're going to respond to you and expect you to
tell us what you want from us. We're open to discussion. We know we're
going to regret this but we invite your submissions. We want to read your
writing and see your art, even if you've never been published before.
We like writers who are saying things
no one else is saying, whether we agree with them or not. You've probably
heard of local heroes like Paul Krassner, Nancy Cain, Billy Hayes, F.X.
Feeney, Victoria Looseleaf, Hank Rosenfeld, and Lawrence Grobel, but you're
going to be hearing from a lot of voices who are currently only heard on
the Internet. Allow us to introduce you to Barry Crimmins, R.B. Ham, Jon
Rappaport, Meria Heller, Ian Patrick Wolff, bartcop, govrant, the NetWits,
The Broadside, Political Strikes, Lyndon LaRouche, Hitler, and Buddha.
We will soon have our own unique Internet
presence. We're going to make Matt Drudge look like Garrison Keillor. One
thing at a time. (Actively seeking insane webmaster)
We're free and you can't afford to
miss a single issue, because if you do, there will be others out there
who know more than you do, and we can't have that. You're going to want
to say to your friends "I can't believe they said that IN PRINT."
Pull up a seat, shake off your preconceptions,
and make yourself comfortable. We're going to be around for a while.
Sincerely,
Jan de Grat - Publisher
Michael Dare - Editor
