The Sneak
by Michael Dare
PRE-SCREENING:
BEFORE THE MOVIE BEGINS, THE FOLLOWING ACTIONS ARE TO BE STAGED, LIVE, IN THE AUDITORIUM
The audience is completely seated for the start of tonight's Sneak Preview.
The lights go down.
The curtain goes up.
The curtain comes back down.
The lights come back up.
The Manager of the theater and several ushers burst loudly into the auditorium. They approach a man who is calmly sitting in an aisle seat. They demand to see his ticket.
When the man fails to produce it, they ask him to leave. He refuses.
The Manager instructs the ushers to physically remove him from his seat. He's pulled halfway down the aisle when a woman in the audience calls out and offers her extra ticket to the Manager.
The Manager grudgingly accepts and the man is released. The Manager and ushers leave.
The man and the woman both sit down.
The lights go down.
The curtain goes up.
THE SNEAK begins....
EXT. AVENUE OF THE STARS - CENTURY CITY - DUSK
The sun is setting behind the Century Plaza Hotel. The banners and searchlights indicate that AFI-FEST is having a major opening at the Cineplex-Odeon Theaters in the ABC Entertainment Complex. In a beautiful new Jaguar, ROB LOWE pulls up to the theater and drops off his gorgeous date, JANE. She walks towards the theater as he drives off to park.
In a beat up old car, JONES drives slowly past the front of the theater, then makes a right onto Constellation Blvd.
INT. PARKING LOT - ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX
Jones pulls up to the gate and automatically receives a parking ticket. The gate goes up and he looks for a parking space. A sign says LEVEL A FULL, so he drives down an endless spiral driveway, passing signs that say LEVEL B FULL, LEVEL C FULL and LEVEL D FULL. He finally arrives at the bottom level, finds a space, parks his car, and heads for the escalator.
INT. ESCALATOR - ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX
Jones goes up seven escalators, each one progressively more crowded, until he reaches the theater level.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON THEATER - EVENING
He runs past the Shubert towards the Cineplex, then stops to look up at the marquee which reads SNEAK PREVIEW TONIGHT. He quickly steps up into the line at the box office, but just as the person in front of him receives their ticket, the cashier puts up a sign saying THIS PERFORMANCE SOLD OUT. He looks at her sadly but she just shrugs and disappears into the box office.
Jones walks back and forth casing the front of the theater. He realizes that anyone can walk into the lobby since tickets are being taken inside. He warily walks through the front door.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
Jones enters and picks up a program from a AFI-FEST volunteer. He walks over to the candy counter and pretends to read it while actually checking out the front of the line. There are three sets of double doors which admit you into the actual theater. The line starts at the left one and continues around the lobby and out the front door.
Pretending to look at posters and lobby displays, Jones casually crosses to the far right set of double doors. Suddenly the doors swing open, trapping him between the door and the wall, as hordes of people come pouring out of the theater.
Jones straightens himself up, creeps out from behind the door, glances quickly up and down the lobby, then proceeds to walk backwards through the emerging crowd till he vanishes into the theater.
The CAMERA, however, follows the crowd into the lobby where we see a sign reading TICKET IS FOR ONE SHOW ONLY - THEATER WILL BE CLEARED AFTER EACH PERFORMANCE.
INT. THEATER
As the last of the audience disappears up the aisle, Jones emerges from the crowd and continues walking backwards down the aisle into a row and finally into his own center seat. He puts his feet up on the seat in front of him and sits, smiling, waiting for the film to begin. He taps his fingers together impatiently. He looks at the empty seat to his left, then to his right, then forward again. He slowly looks back to his left and up.
A large usher is standing next to him, menacingly swinging his broom like a club. Jones looks at him, then looks to the right hoping for escape.
Another usher who vaguely resembles a Neanderthal is coming up the aisle towards him. Jones sits meekly between his two towering adversaries.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The center swinging doors burst open and Jones is ceremoniously marched through the lobby and out of the theater.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON THEATERS
Jones paces back and forth trying to come up with a plan. He snaps his fingers and goes "Aha!"
INT. TICKET BOOTH
The cashier looks up to see Jones wearing a bald wig and constantly taking notes in a little pad. She takes out a list with the word CRITICS across the top. Jones reaches through the little window and points to the name of Gary Franklin. She checks off the name on the list, but instead of giving him a ticket, she turns to the Asst. Manager who is in the booth behind her. She points to Jones and explains who he is. The Asst. Manager nods and leaves the booth, and is too too pleased to introduce himself to Jones/Franklin, who is trying to play it cool. He follows the Asst. Manager into the theater.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The line is slowly being let in as Jones and the Asst. Manager continue across the lobby and into the theater.
INT. THEATER
The Asst. Manager leads Jones to a special roped off critics section. There's a fat guy and a short guy sitting next to each other, one drooling idiot with an enormous mustache, and several transvestites. They're all taking notes in little pads. Jones sits down and does likewise.
INT. TICKET BOOTH
The cashier looks up from doing a crossword puzzle to see the real GARY FRANKLIN standing at her window.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The Asst. Manager, Gary Franklin, and a whole slew of ushers march across the lobby and into the theater. Seconds later, Jones comes flying out the center doors landing in a heap on the floor. He gallantly recovers his demeanor and walks outside.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON
While nursing his injuries, he notices a mysterious short man in a beret carrying several film cans. He puts them down near the front doors and rests for a second. Jones sneaks next to the cans and tries to read the title, but there is none. It is apparently the surprise feature since the little man is immediately let in. Jones walks away.
He arrives back carrying a film can with the words The Sneak written on the side. He's immediately let in.
INT. LOBBY
He tries to head straight into the theater but he sees the Asst. Manager across the lobby and quickly ducks into an unmarked door.
INT. PROJECTION BOOTH
The projectionist is about to load the real sneak preview into the projector when Jones enters, hands him The Sneak, and leaves. The projectionist starts removing the real film from the projector.
INT. LOBBY
Jones nonchalantly leans on the candy counter and eyes the theater entrance. A candy girl asks him what he would like. He orders popcorn and continues looking around till he notices something.
INT. CANDY COUNTER
The Candy Girl fills a box with popcorn and returns to the counter to find nobody there. She goes "Oh well" and returns the popcorn to the machine.
INT. THEATER LOBBY - LONG SHOT
The camera slowly pans across the waiting crowd, gradually moving down to their feet. It stops on an extreme close-up of a single ticket stub in the midst of a forest of legs. A hand appears at the top of the screen and slowly inches it's way towards the stub.
INT. THEATER LOBBY - ROPED OFF BAR SECTION
Jones is seated next to the rope which keeps the line in place. His chin is pressed hard on the table as he reaches off screen.
INT. THEATER LOBBY - CLOSE-UP
After a choreographed succession of feet threaten great damage to his hand, he finally grabs the stub.
INT. THEATER LOBBY - BAR SECTION
He gets up, smiles, and heads for the doors stub in hand. He tries to pawn it off on an usher, but the usher points to a sign reading "D" TICKETS ONLY ADMITTED TO THIS PERFORMANCE.
The usher points out that Jones' ticket has a large "B" stamped on it.
Jones apologizes and pretends to search his pockets for the right stub. He turns his back on the usher and steps away.
Jones pulls a hole punch out of his coat and with a quick twist of the wrist, the letter "B" now resembles a letter "D" with a hole in the middle. He walks back to the usher who now lets him in.
INT. THEATER
Jones walks down the aisle, finds a center seat, and sits down to watch the movie. His peace is interrupted by another patron with a box of popcorn who takes the empty seat to his left. The smell is overpowering but he valiantly tries to ignore it. Suddenly someone sits to his right with an even bigger box of popcorn. Someone sits in front with a pretty large tub, then behind with a ridiculously enormous tub of popcorn. Everyone is crunching merrily away. Temptation wins as Jones leaps up the aisle to get his very own bag.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
Jones talks to the usher as he exits. It is the same usher who let him in, and he indicates he'll let him back in after he gets his popcorn.
INT. THEATER LOBBY - OTHER SIDE
Jones is waiting in line for popcorn. In front of him is a WOMAN WITH A SMALL CHILD, and behind him is a MAN WITH A SMALL DOG. The woman gives her child a hot dog to hold while she turns and pays the cashier. Jones grabs the hot dog from the child, breaks off a little piece and gives it to the dog; the rest he stuffs into his mouth whole.
The woman turns to retrieve the hot dog from her child, but she sees that it has disappeared. Jones stops chewing immediately, but the dog keeps gnawing. Her suspicions confirmed, the woman with the child smacks the man with the dog as Jones walks away.
Jones finishes chewing, then notices something across the lobby. His jaw drops in astonishment.
Through the crowded lobby, we get scattered glimpses of JANE, who is anxiously watching the front of the theater for her tardy date. Her eyes catch Jones for just one brief second, then she looks away.
Jones is overwhelmed. That one brief second of eye contact was enough for Jones to fall hopelessly in love. His heart swells with the violins as EVERYONE IN THE LOBBY but Jones and Jane slowly become transparent. They all fade into ghosts and disappear, leaving Jones and Jane alone.
Jones takes a step towards her when everyone in the lobby reappears and someone steps on his foot.
The Asst. Manager sees Jones and storms across the lobby towards the candy counter. He stands next to Jones who's hopping up and down on one leg.
INT. LOBBY - SPECIAL EFFECT!
Suddenly the film itself somehow slips out of correct registration in the projector. This results in the frame line moving up and actually splitting the screen in half. On the top half are Jones and the Asst. Manager from the waist down. On the bottom half are Jones and the Asst. Manager from the waist up.
The Asst. Manager turns away for a second and rubs his hands together, relishing the upcoming bust. Jones notices that his shoelace is now untied. He crouches down to tie it. He's now entirely in the top half of the split screen, so when the Asst. Manager turns around to grab him on the bottom half of the screen, he's apparently disappeared. The Asst. Manager looks right and left, but no Jones. He angrily walks away as Jones straightens up and the film corrects itself in the projector.
Jones stands there a second when an arm in a tuxedo pulls him away.
A door slams and Jones finds himself outside the theater once again.
EXT. THEATER
Jones disappears around the corner. When he returns, he looks exactly the same except he's wearing sunglasses and he's lit like one of the aliens from Close Encounters. There's a shimmering sound as he walks towards the front door of the theater and everyone around him is bathed in an unearthly blue light. They gaze upon him in awe as he simply walks through the doors, through the lobby, and into a seat.
INT. LOBBY
The door marked MANAGER opens. In a traveling shot, we watch a marching pair of shiny black shoes, satin socks, and tuxedo pants. Numerous brooms and various forms of vacuum cleaners rapidly clear away pieces of lobby debris from the path of the ominous walker.
INT. THEATER
Jones is easy to spot since he still glows. The opening chords of Also Sprach Zarathustra slowly introduce a planet mysteriously rising from the bottom of the screen. The planet rises till we see it has ears, it has a neck, and it's coming out of a tuxedo. The camera pivots till we see the full bald head of the MANAGER, who is definitely the bad guy.
The audience (on the soundtrack) boos. The Manager hams it up till they quiet down. Someone says "I like him". The manager looks at the camera and says "Shhhh" before he slowly sneaks up on Jones.
INT. LOBBY
The doors of the theater burst open as the Manager pulls Jones out of the theater by his nose.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The Asst. Manager looks at his watch as the last people enter the theater. An usher taps him on the shoulder. He turns around and is introduced to Jones, now bearded and disguised as a Fire Marshall. They both head into the theater.
INT. THEATER
Under the scrutiny of the Asst. Manager, Jones pretends to be looking for something. The Manager watches them from a secluded corner. While speaking of the various fire hazards about the theater, Jones absent-mindedly lights a cigarette and throws the match over his shoulder. He smiles at the
Asst. Manager who frowns.EXT. THEATER
Jones is once again thrown out the center double doors.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The Manager tells the Asst. Manager to follow him.
INT. MANAGER'S OFFICE
The Manager seats the frightened Asst. manager in front of the desk, then sits behind it and scowls. He delivers a grand speech on the noble art of ushering.
The Asst. Manager, on the verge of tears, sinks into his seat.
The Manager steps around the desk, puts his hand on the Asst. Manager's shoulder to comfort him, then reaches down and ceremoniously breaks his broom across his knee. He throws the broom to the ground and sternly points outside. The Asst. Manager slowly gets up, bids a fond farewell to the world of cinema, and leaves the theater.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The crowd is thinning out. People are rushing towards the door as the film is about to start. Jones spies Jane still waiting with her two tickets. He looks towards the entrance and sees something.
INT. THEATER LOBBY ENTRANCE
A large Italian family enters the theater and heads across the lobby.
The usher accepts a handful of tickets from the Italian Father. As the family walks into the theater, in their midst is Jones eating a large bowl of spaghetti. Seconds later he comes flying out the center doors followed by the bowl of spaghetti. He gets up unruffled and walks to the stairwell.
INT. LOUNGE
Jones comes down the stairs and goes into the men's room.
INT. MEN'S ROOM
Jones goes into a stall and dumps the spaghetti off his shirt and into the toilet. He flushes it, then goes to the sink to rinse off the stain. He succeeds in getting most of it off when he notices something wrong. His shoes are covered in spaghetti and inches of water. The toilet bowl has flooded.
INT. LOUNGE
Jones runs out of the men's room and up the stairs.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
He comes up from the stairwell, grabs the nearest usher, and points to his shoes and the bathroom. The usher follows him down the stairwell.
INT. LOUNGE
Jones and the usher run down the stairs and into the men's room. Seconds later, Jones emerges in the usher's uniform. He grabs a broom and dustpan and, sweeping frantically, heads up the stairs.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
He comes out of the stairwell and sweeps his way across the lobby and into the theater. Seconds later, he's thrown out the center double doors in his underwear. Jane demurely looks the other way and he gets up and nonchalantly walks away.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
Jones, dressed as Fellini, complete with cape, sunglasses, and entourage of girls in bikinis with martinis, enters the theater through the left hand doors. He immediately comes flying out the center doors followed by a cape.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
Jones, dressed as Little Caesar, complete with gang and machine guns, marches through the lobby. Just as they reach the doors of the theater, all six doors open revealing the Manager and ushers with machine guns. They mow down his gang. Jones drops his gun and runs down the stairs towards the lounge. The Manager and ushers follow hard on his heels.
INT. PROJECTION BOOTH
The projectionist is just taking The Sneak out of its can.
INT. LOUNGE
Jones bounds down the stairs past the men's room and into a door marked UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.
INT. HALLWAY
Jones runs down the hall, picks an unmarked door, quickly opens it, and goes through.
INT. LOUNGE
The Manager and ushers come down the stairs, check the men's room, and finally go through the correct door.
TOTAL DARKNESS
Jones inches his way along a wall till he finds a light switch. He turns on the light, looks around the room and smiles.
INT. STORAGE ROOM
Dozens of bags of popcorn, rolls and rolls of tickets, boxes of programs, and innumerable goodies for the snack bar fill the room.
INT. HALLWAY
The Manager and ushers enter and check every door until they reach the right one, which they open up and gaze into.
INT. STORAGE ROOM
Jones is rapidly gorging himself on popcorn. His pockets are stuffed with candy.
The Manager rushes him but he throws bags of popcorn in the way. The Manager and ushers start sliding around the floor as Jones grabs an ice cream sandwich, a handful of tickets, and scurries out the door.
INT. LOUNGE
Jones enters from the hallway and bounds up the stairs.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
He sprints across the lobby and exits the theater.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON THEATER
He comes through the door and looks back through the glass.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The Manager and ushers emerge from the lounge, spot him outside, and run across the lobby.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON THEATER
A crowd has gathered to buy tickets for the next show. Jones throws hundreds of tickets into the air. Everyone jumps out of line and starts clawing and fighting for the tickets.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The Manager sees that his exit is blocked by the mob fighting for tickets. He tries to push his way out but can't.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON THEATER
The tickets are all gone but the crowd is hungry for more. Someone spots Jones running away and the crowd follows him.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX - THEATER LEVEL
Jones runs to the central elevator and pushes the down button. He waits for a few seconds, then notices the crowd swarming towards him. He dashes down the ramp towards the Concourse level.
The crowd splits, half running down the stairs to cut him off, half pursuing him down the ramp.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX - CONCOURSE LEVELJones speeds off the ramp and circles back to the elevator. He pushes the buttons frantically, waits half a second, and runs towards the escalator.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The Manager has once again lined up the ushers. He is issuing them bayonets which they attach to the ends of their flashlights and dustpans. They march out of the theater in single file.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX - SIDE VIEW OF RAMPS
Jones runs up one ramp while the crowd runs down another.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
The lobby lights blink, indicating the film is about to start. Jane walks to the door and finding no usher there, easily sneaks into the theater.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX - SIDE VIEW OF RAMPS
Jones runs down one ramp while the crowd runs up the other.
INT. THEATER LOBBY
Several people notice that the ushers are missing and stroll right into the theater.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX
With a crowd hot on his heels, Jones ducks into a bookstore.
INT. BOOKSTORE
Jones hides in the film section as the crowd runs past. He innocently looks at the books on the shelves, including The Films of Jacque Tati, The Films of Buster Keaton, etc. He's a bit stunned to notice a book called The Films of Michael Dare sandwiched in between The Films of Michael Curtiz and The Films of Bette Davis. He pulls it out and leafs through it, eventually finding the chapter on The Sneak. There's a photograph of him standing next to the marble wall on the east side of the theater. The caption reads "Jones eventually got into the theater through the side door." Jones slams the book shut and runs off.
INT. PROJECTION BOOTH
The projectionist is almost finished loading the film.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX - PLAZA LEVEL
Jones runs down the elevator at top speed. He isn't moving very fast since he's on an up elevator. He finally makes it to the bottom, does an about face, and tears up the elevator at breakneck speed. The mob tries to follow but tumbles back on itself.
INT. THEATER
The Italian family is sitting together. Mama reaches into her purse to find something. She indicates to her husband that she left her glasses in the car. He replies with some wonderful hand gestures, then gets up, works his way out of the row and down the aisle towards the curtained exit near the screen.
EXT. ABC ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX - CONCOURSE LEVEL
Jones runs to the ramp and stops. He's in the exact center of the complex. He looks forward.
The Manager and ushers are running up the ramp in a vicious battle charge.
He looks right.
The crowd is coming down the stairs.
He looks left.
The crowd is coming up the escalator.
He quickly spins around and magically, the elevator doors open right in front of him. His dives in as the doors close and his pursuers bump heads.
INT. ELEVATOR
He's alone with a mother and a crying child. He reaches over and tickles the kid who cries louder. Suddenly he remembers the ice cream sandwich in his pocket and he gives it to the child who immediately shuts up. The doors open and Jones runs out.
EXT. CINEPLEX ODEON THEATERS - SIDE EXIT
Jones stands next to a blank marble wall, looking exactly like the photo in the book. Suddenly a door opens, and out steps the Italian Papa. He walks off, and just as the door is about to swing shut, Jones takes a flying leap and lands inside.
INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE
Jones sneaks down the stairs to the curtains next to the screen. He peeks out.
INT. THEATER
The houselights start dimming, so Jones comes out from behind the curtains and walks up the aisle.
He takes the one available seat on the aisle just as the theater falls into total darkness and the curtain goes up. Suddenly the curtain comes back down and the lights go back up.
The Manager and ushers come down the aisle towards Jones. They stop right in front of him. The Manager extends his hand and demands to see a ticket. Jones shrugs. The Manager instructs the ushers to drag him screaming from the theater.
Suddenly a hand with a ticket extends itself from the seat next to Jones. It is Jane. The Manager grudgingly accepts the ticket as Jones sits back down. He heads back up the aisle with the ushers just as the lights go back down and the curtain goes up.
The audience applauds as the film begins. It is, of course, The Sneak.
Jane looks at the screen, then at Jones, then back at the screen in astonishment.
On the screen, The Sneak has reached the scene where Jones first catches a glimpse of Jane, the music swells, and he falls in love with her.
In the theater, Jane smiles at what she's just witnessed and kisses Jones on the cheek. He puts his arm around her and they settle back to watch the rest of the film as credits roll.
EXT. THEATER
Rob Lowe glances at his watch, looks around the box office, and peeks into the theater in a desperate attempt to locate his date.
THE END
