Screenplay by Michael Dare
ã 1995 by Michael Dare (dare2b@earthlink.net)
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. - NIGHT
A film is premiering at the Chinese. There's a typical crowd staring at the Kleig Lights and the long line of limos pulling up to the front of the theater. Among the luxury cars is a '67 Mustang convertible that would be a classic if it weren't beat to shit. Driving the car is Michael Dare.
All I had to do was let go of him, just let go and get on with my life. Sometimes it seemed like that was what everyone wanted me to do. It would have been easy. Just look how great everything was before his purity invaded my life... (V.O.) MICHAEL Michael's car pulls up to the front of the theater. He grabs his briefcase and walks into the theater, ignoring the crowds and the celebrities.INT. CHINESE THEATER
Michael sits down in a special roped off section, opens his briefcase, and pulls out a Radio Shack Model 100 Laptop computer. He puts it in his lap, turns it on, and starts typing.
I was a film critic for the L.A. Weekly, a freebie with a pitiful 100,000 circulation that was given away at the finest clothing stores and burger joints in Los Angeles. Okay, it wasn't the New York Times, but I got to see movies for free, and every week I got to see my name in print. Usually I was insulting someone. (V.O., CONTD.) MICHAEL CLOSE-UP: MOVIE SCREENThe movie is Terms of Endearment. Debra Winger is dying and her mother, Shirley McLaine is by her side.
The audience is all in tears except for Michael, who has to put his hand over his mouth to stop from laughing. He types away at his computer while staring at the screen and cracking up.
They paid me $25 a review. I hated everything I saw, but my reviews were funny so I was surprisingly popular with the readers. (V.O., CONTD.) MICHAEL
A crowd at Duke's Coffeeshop all read their L.A. Weeklies. One of them starts laughing.
Whenever someone laughed while reading the Weekly, I knew they were reading me. It seemed an interesting way to get ahead in Hollywood. I trashed their films during the day... (V.O.) MICHAEL Michael sits at the back of an empty theater, smoking a joint, and typing in his computer....and got high with them at night. (V.O.) MICHAEL A three-foot long bud of magnificent sensimilla is taken from a Ziplock bag. Michael attacks it with a pair of scissors and rolls a giant joint.It was the late '70s, before crack, before AIDS, and sex and drugs not only weren't dangerous, they were cool. So was the L.A. Weekly, which had only been around six months. (V.O.) MICHAEL The Weekly is housed in a shoddy storefront on Sunset Blvd. near Western.
INT. EDITORIAL OFFICE - L.A. WEEKLY
It is a cluttered newsroom as befitting a newly started "alternative" newspaper. The walls are covered in rock 'n' roll posters, and the floor is covered in yesterday's fast food containers.
JAY LEVIN, the editor of the paper, is passionate and intense. With him are HELEN, the official feminist of the rag, SPANKY, a studious Chicano, and MICHAEL. They are in the middle of a production meeting. Spanky covers the lower east side, but the fact that he is Harvard all the way makes it a little bit hard for him to blend in. So he is covered with bruises, and wearing an eye-patch.
Anything new on that Crips/Bloods truce? JAY
As a matter of fact, the Bloods seem to be just a little upset that we're calling it the Crips/Bloods truce instead of the Blood/Crips truce. They've threatened to gouge out my other eye if we don't rectify the situation. SPANKY
I think the answer is typesetting. MICHAEL
What? JAY Michael walks up to a dummy of the cover and starts moving things around.Sure. If you position Crips to the left, and put Blood after it but above it, then the Bloods have top billing, but the Crips are still first. MICHAEL
That's too complicated. HELEN
No, it's simple. People who read top to bottom will read Bloods first, and people who read left to right will read Crips first. Hollywood does it all the time. Hell, it worked with Burt Reynolds and Clint Eastwood. MICHAEL
I knew there was a reason we have a film critic. JAY
Why don't we just alternate it within the text? HELEN
Did they write a letter? JAY
We should print it. HELEN
It wasn't a letter, it was a personal visit in the parking lot, and it involved an offer of specific bodily harm that I'd rather not discuss. SPANKY
As reluctant as I am to have the editorial policy of this paper determined by the savage whims of an illiterate gang member, this is a threat that I take seriously. In the headlines, we'll just call it the gang truce, and throughout the text, we'll mention their names equally. In the meantime Spanky, you're off the story. JAY
Great. Look, leave me on the story but take me off the streets. SPANKY
Okay, on to film. JAY
We've all got our assignments. HELEN
Listen Jay, will you please tell her to let me review something good, like this new film Deerhunter? I'm getting really tired of reviewing crap. MICHAEL
It's what you're best at. HELEN
Come on, Dare, we've had this discussion before. Anybody can review good films, but nobody on earth can put them down like you do. JAY
I've got to agree, Michael, you crack me up. You're the only vestige of humor in the paper. SPANKY
Yeah, but I can't take another Ernest movie. MICHAEL
Do you expect me to trust her opinion of an Ernest movie? (pointing to Helen) SPANKY Helen smiles.Yeah, but... MICHAEL
Sorry, Michael, but he's right. You're the best at your beat and that's B movies. Stick to it. You've got weird taste and we want it. JAY
Michael is drinking champagne and shmoozing with ALEX GORMAN, an older, wiser, mellower actor.
It's not like I applied for the job. I wrote a letter to the paper and the next thing you know they asked me to review a film. The whole thing is driving me crazy. Just because I can write reviews that are better than the movies, they only send me to bad movies. MICHAEL
Start writing pretentious crap and they'll promote you to main critic. ALEX
It would be nice if I could just once write something nice about a movie. I don't think I've ever been sent to one I liked. MICHAEL Just then, a strange foreign woman comes up to them.
Are you Michael Dare? FOREIGN WOMAN
Yes. MICHAEL She takes his drink from him, throws it in his face, and walks away.You see what I mean? MICHAEL
Who was that? ALEX
I haven't the slightest idea. MICHAEL
You need another drink. ALEX
I need something else. MICHAEL
Michael and the Alex are enjoying a joint.
Yum, this is great. Hawaiian? ALEX
California sensimilla. The best. MICHAEL
Do you know where I can get some? ALEX
I might be able to help. Just give me a call. MICHAEL It is the classic Hollywood bungalow courtyard. A car pulls up and Alex gets out dressed as an American soldier from World War II.
INT. MICHAEL'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Michael is in bed when the doorbell rudely awakens him. He gets up, and heads towards the living room.
INT. MICHAEL'S LIVING ROOM - MORNING
The room looks like it hasn't been cleaned since World War II. There's a piano, a guitar, a TV, a large sound system, and piles of books and records. Michael plows his way through the rubble and opens the front door. Alex bursts in.
Dru-u-u-u-u-gs!!!!!!!! ALEX
It's 6:30 in the morning. MICHAEL
And I'm due on the set in half an hour, I was up till 2:00 last night, and you know my stomach can't take studio coffee. I need artificial stimulation if I am to defend America against the Nazis. ALEX
Could you be more specific? MICHAEL
Can I bum a joint? ALEX
Hold on. MICHAEL EXT. MICHAEL’S HOUSEAlex comes out the front door, gets in his car and drives away.
Of course being a smoker could be a pain in the ass when jerks showed up at all hours. Luckily, it was just a small part of my life. That was about to change. (V.O.) MICHAEL Hundreds of soldiers are crowding the street when a tank pulls up, the top pops open, and out peeks John Belushi.
Cut! DIRECTOR EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. - DAYBehind the set, Alex, who is one of the extras, secretly lights a joint. John Belushi walks by the front of the set, takes a sniff, and quickly ducks behind a fake wall. He walks up to Alex.
Mind if I join you? BELUSHI Alex is a bit flabbergasted, but gladly complies.Sure, dude, have some. ALEX Belushi takes a long drag off the joint and exhales like a connoisseur. His eyes light up.What the hell is this? BELUSHI
It's California sensimilla. You've never had it? ALEX The film is ready for another take. Hundreds of extras and an enormous crew are waiting for the go-ahead. The director looks around.
Where the hell is John? DIRECTOR BACK TO: Alex and Belushi who are now bombed and best buddies.Man, New York we get nothing like this. It's incredible. BELUSHI
Gee, I wish I had some more. ALEX
You don't have any more? BELUSHI Alex shrugs. Belushi picks him by the lapels, puts his face up to his, and acts the tough guy.You will tell me where you got this! (CONTD) BELUSHI Michael is playing piano when there is a knock at the door. He opens it and finds himself staring at John Belushi. He is stunned. There is no one on earth he would rather meet.
Yes? MICHAEL
Are you Michael Dare? BELUSHI
Yes. MICHAEL
Can I come in? BELUSHI
Of course. MICHAEL John comes in and makes himself at home.This looks like my place. Got a joint? BELUSHI A joint is rolled. It is passed back and forth.John goes through Michael's record collection.
Too much psychedelic, not enough R&B. BELUSHI He finds a record to his liking and puts it on the record player. It is Otis Redding. Michael starts playing piano. John starts singing along.Well I'm sittin' on the dock of a bay. BELUSHI Watchin' the tide role away...
Shit, I've to be at the set in four hours. BELUSHI He looks through the remaining dope and only finds sticks and stems.Can you get some more? (CONTD) BELUSHI
Sure. MICHAEL To Michael's astonishment, Belushi pulls out of his pocket a wad of hundred dollar bills three-inches thick. He hands it to him.Take what you need. BELUSHI Belushi turns his back on Michael and occupies himself with getting ready to leave. He's openly inviting Michael to take as much as he wants. Michael is bewildered at this trust, and gingerly removes a couple of bills. He hands the wad back to John, who sticks it back in his pocket and heads for the door.Tomorrow? MICHAEL
Same time. BELUSHI
See you. MICHAEL Michael passes out on the sofa.DRUG MONTAGE:
Joints are rolled, guitars are played, bongs cause coughing fits, white rocks get chopped, piano is pounded, straws get stuck in noses, weird mushrooms are dipped in honey and consumed, eyes glaze over, LSD is dropped on paper and cut up into little pieces, hashish is sliced, matches are lit, pupils dilate.
The next day, John brought by another actor from the film, then another, then a major musician, a couple of directors, and basically everybody he met in Hollywood. My house became his hangout. There was never a point at which I actually decided to become drug dealer to the stars. I just couldn't say no to all the fabulous people I was being introduced to. Within months, I had to move. (V.O.) MICHAEL A joint is rolled. It is passed around till it stops at a beautiful model.This is amazing. Where did it come from? MODEL A card is pulled out of a wallet. It says CAPTAIN PREEMOS.It is thrown into a purse with the rest of the joint.
A jazzy sports car pulls up to the Preemo mansion.
EXT. PREEMO MANSION - MORNING
A ramshackle four bedroom house stands in the midst of an incredible overgrown garden, with apple trees, orange trees, plum trees, fig trees, artichokes, strawberries, a mulberry bush, two lemon trees, and a fig tree luring wasps from everywhere.
It was called Captain Preemos, and my life turned into a very hedonistic fantasy. (V.O.) MICHAEL Michael is in a hot tub with two actresses. They both smoke a pipe as Michael starts exploring their bodies.It wasn't a bad life. My business grew so big I had partners who did most of the actual selling. I was simply the host of an endless party. It was pretty cool, and Captain Preemos was the hippie Algonquin. (V.O.) MICHAEL A party is in full swing. Loud music, animated conversations, couples making out, drugs openly consumed. John Belushi is the center of attention.
There appears to be sort of a line of partyers in the dining room, waiting to get into a side room. The door to the side room opens, and someone comes out with smile on their face. A NEW CUSTOMER enters.
INT. SIDE ROOM
One of Michael's partners, RUSSELL, like a good maitre 'd, whips out a plastic menu with a dozen items to show the new customer. The new customer peruses, then makes his choice, pulling out a hundred-dollar bill.
I'll get a 50 of Hawaiian, a 25 of Peruvian, and five grams of mushrooms. NEW CUSTOMER Michael is talking to CARLOS, a slick, incredibly handsome Panamanian.
So you'll be able to pay me in a week? CARLOS
No problem at all. As you can see, business is good. MICHAEL There's a knock at the door. Michael peeks out a small window in the door.Excuse me. (CONTD) MICHAEL Michael leaves Carlos, opens the door, and admits MARK, a longhaired rock photographer, and JOEY VENICE, his lovely female companion.Mark! How you doin'? Come on in. MICHAEL
Michael, this is Joey, a friend of mine. She's new to town, and I just had to show her Preemos. MARK
No problem. There's quite a line for the back room, so you'll have to wait to do business. Here, have some of this in the meantime. MICHAEL He pulls out a joint and lights it. Joey looks around the room and is star struck.Quite a place, huh? MARK
I don't believe it. I recognize half these people. JOEY
So where are you from? MICHAEL
Phoenix. I was thinking of going back...till tonight. JOEY She gives Michael a look that melts his zipper.Before you go, I'd like to show you something. MICHAEL Joey follows Michael up the stairs. He opens the door to his bedroom and enters. She doesn't follow.Aw come on, it's not what you think. (CONTD) MICHAEL Michael leads her to his closet. He gets down on his hands and knees and pulls open the bottom drawer of a dresser. Joey gets down next to him and looks inside.It's a brood of a dozen kittens, no more than a couple of weeks old, suckling from a purring calico. Michael picks one up and nuzzles it.
Can I? JOEY He hands her the kitten. They both smile. She falls in love, not sure if it's the kitten or Michael weaving the spell.Michael and Alex come out of a theater and walk down the Blvd.
I don't believe it. Blood Beach? I mean what's next? Sado-Sidewalk? MICHAEL
Mutant Mountain? ALEX
Asphalt Angst? MICHAEL
Pizza! ALEX
No time, gotta be at Paramount at 4:30 MICHAEL Michael and Alex are in their seats in the front row when Michael looks towards the back of the theater.
It's her. (whispering) MICHAEL
Who? ALEX
The one I told you about, from the other night. MICHAEL Alex turns around to look at Joey. She notices Michael and waves. She is obviously with someone else, but Michael can't tell if it's the man to her right or the woman to her left.Nice. ALEX
I've got to talk to her. I'll be right back. MICHAEL Suddenly, the lights go down.Shit... (CONTD) MICHAEL
Don't worry, you'll see her after the screening. ALEX
Michael enters from a long night of partying. He collapses at his desk and turns on the answer machine.
Hi, it's Martin. Looking for something. Catch you later. VOICE #1
Hi, it's Steve. Got something. See you soon. VOICE #2
Hi, it's Joey. Mark gave me your number. I hope you don't mind. It was funny seeing you at the screening today. How are your kittens? I'd love to see them again. Bye. JOEY'S VOICE INT. PREEMO MANSION - MORNINGMichael comes downstairs, notices a living room window is open. He closes it.
Michael comes out to his car. He is puzzled to see a bright red kiss mark in his rear view mirror.
EXT. MUSTACHE CAFE - AFTERNOON
Michael is sitting in the outside patio sharing a luncheon with Paul Bartel. A tape recorder sits in the middle of the table.
I did a thing called Cannonball, and I wrote parts for all my friends. Joe Dante and Alan Arkush are in it as teenage auto mechanics. It did all right, but not as good as Deathrace 2000. BARTEL Michael is fascinated, but his attention is diverted when he notices Joey come out of the restaurant wearing a tight red dress and heading straight to the parking lot. He doesn't notice that Mr. Bartel has stopped talking.Hello? BARTEL
Excuse me? I mean, uh, then what happened? MICHAEL Michael enters, locks the door, turns around, and is stunned to see Carlos sitting in his living room. He's obviously displeased, but puts on a cheery front.
Carlos, glad you're here. MICHAEL
Where's my money? CARLOS
I haven't gotten paid for it yet. You know how it goes. I'll give you whatever I've got. MICHAEL
You fronted my stuff to someone else? CARLOS
Yeah, but it's someone completely reliable. MICHAEL
What are you, an amateur? You never front a front. CARLOS
I'm sorry. Look, I'll just give you what I've got and make it up later. MICHAEL
You don't understand, I need my money now. CARLOS
I haven't got it now. MICHAEL
Did you see the movie Deerhunter? CARLOS
Excuse me? MICHAEL
Deerhunter! Did you see Deerhunter? CARLOS
Yeah, Cimino's great. I can't wait to see his next picture. Why? MICHAEL
Because we're going to play Deerhunter. CARLOS Carlos checks the lock on the front door, then pulls a .357 Magnum out of his coat. He opens up the chamber and pulls out six bullets, which he arranges in a neat little row on Michael's desk.What are you doing? MICHAEL Carlos puts one bullet in the gun, spins the barrel, aims the gun at Michael, and pulls the trigger. It just clicks. Michael panics.I thought you said you saw Deerhunter. CARLOS
Are you kidding? Are those real bullets? MICHAEL Carlos calmly puts a second bullet in the gun.Look, this is ridiculous. Cut it out, you've made your point, all right? (CONTD) MICHAEL
Where's my money? CARLOS
I told you I haven't got it now, but... MICHAEL Carlos aims the gun at Michael, spins the chamber again, and pulls the trigger. It clicks.JESUS CHRIST, stop that! You'll never get your money if I'm dead. What do you want? (CONTD) MICHAEL I've only got, let's see, $75. Here, take it. (he pulls out his wallet) Carlos calmly puts another bullet in the gun.You got something here worth a grand? Cause I'm leaving here with my money or your blood. CARLOS
My watch. Here, take my watch. How about, uh, let see, shit, there's nothing here that's worth anything. MICHAEL
Mind if I look around? CARLOS
Be my guest. Just put that down. MICHAEL Carlos looks lovingly at his gun.You don't like it? It's a .357 Magnum. Dirty Harry's gun. It could blow your fucking desk in half, so don't move. CARLOS Michael doesn't move as Carlos searches the room. He finds Michael's stash and takes it.This isn't enough. CARLOS He starts putting another bullet in the gun.Suddenly, Russell sits up and looks around. He was passed out on the floor. He sees Michael; he sees Carlos holding a gun.
Excuse me... RUSSELL He passes back out.Bullshit. Get up. CARLOS He aims the gun at Russell.Uh, Russell, he's pointing the gun at you I think you better do what he says. MICHAEL Russell stands up.How much do you owe him. (to Michael) RUSSELL
Let's see, he gave me $75, and this stash looks like it's worth a couple of hundred... CARLOS
A thousand. I owe him a thousand. MICHAEL Russell reaches into his sock and pulls out a wad of bills. He counts out ten hundreds and gives them to Carlos.Will that do? Do you want more? RUSSELL
No, this is fine. CARLOS
Good. Would you leave that stash and take your gun with you when you leave? RUSSELL Carlos loads the last three bullets into the gun, spins the cartridge, aims at Michael and says...Boom! CARLOS Real funny. He puts the gun away, laughs, and leaves.Michael and Russell breathe easy.
Thank you, that was great. MICHAEL
Welcome to the real world of drug dealing. RUSSELL
That's it. When this bag is gone, I'm not getting any more. MICHAEL
I'll help you get rid of it. RUSSELL They both start consuming massive amounts of illegal substances.Michael is taking the menu apart, putting all the plastic letters in a bag.
There's a knock at the door. Michael opens it.
Belushi is standing there, looking ragged. He manages a smile and goes...
Taa-daa! BELUSHI
Come on in. MICHAEL John comes in and looks at the sofa.What's happened to your menu? BELUSHI
I'm out of business. MICHAEL
What? You can't be. What happened? BELUSHI
A side of the business I'd never seen. I think I could easily spend the rest of my life without somebody pointing a gun at me. MICHAEL
Gee, that's just too bad, I mean, well, uh, does that mean we can't get high? BELUSHI
For you, I got a little left... MICHAEL Michael steps up to a display case with a built in with a five-foot long mirror on the bottom. He pulls out a secret stash of coke and makes a four-foot line across the mirror. He pulls out two straws and hands one to John.They both stick the straws up their nose. Starting at opposite ends of the enormous line, they whiff up the snow till they butt heads in the middle and fall to the ground laughing.
That was the end of Captain Preemos. I moved back to a bungalow. My life got safer, if not saner.. (V.O.) MICHAEL Michael is sound asleep.
EXT. MICHAEL'S BUNGALOW - NIGHT
Somebody in a trenchcoat tries to open his front door. It's locked.
They sneak around to the side windows and try to open them. No luck.
Finally, they try the backdoor. It's unlocked.
INT. MICHAEL'S BUNGALOW
The person in the trenchcoat gently tiptoes into Michael's bedroom.
Michael is asleep. The trenchcoat flies open, revealing Joey in an outfit straight out of Victoria's Secret. She moves to the foot of the bed and climbs under the covers.
The mound under the blanket moves up from Michael's feet to his mid-section. The blanket flies up. Michael's eyes fly open. He awakens to find himself embedded in Joey, hanging on for the ride of his life.
The clouds roll in. Thunder claps. The Hollywood Sign is momentarily lit by lightning.
TITLE: ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. NEW ENGLAND GRAVEYARD - DAY
A casket is slowly lowered into the ground.
In the background is a man on a motorcycle, who salutes.
John Belushi was buried today at Martha's Vineyard... TV ANNOUNCER INT. HOLLYWOOD BUNGALOW - DAYMichael is back working in more modest surroundings. He uses the remote to turn down the sound of the funeral on television. He touches his hand to the casket on the TV. He closes his eyes.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
The Santa Anas are blowing. Michael parks in the hills and watches as the sky turns from purple to orange.
close-up: answer machine
BEEP
You can't possibly feel as weird as I do about this. Let's get together later. ALEX'S VOICE An editorial meeting is in progress. People are yelling. In the midst of it all, Michael is handed his assignment, a screening pass to a film called I Drink Your Mother's Blood. Michael scowls.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
Michael drives through the Cahuenga Pass to the valley like a madman.
BEEP
Michael, it's Joey. I've got to see you. It's very important. I've got something to show you. (V.O.) JOEY EXT. WARNER BROTHERS - NIGHTMichael pulls up to the gate guard, lowers his window, and shouts.
I Drink Your Mother's Blood! MICHAEL The guard clears his ear.Excuse me? GATE GUARD
I Drink Your Mother's Blood! MICHAEL
That's what I thought you said. GATE GUARD Michael gets exasperated and hands the Guard his ticket.Look, I'm here to see this film. Are you going to let me in? MICHAEL The Gate Guard looks at the ticket and hands it back to Michael.This is at Warner Hollywood. That's on the other side of those mountains. GATE GUARD Michael grabs the ticket, looks at it, and makes a quick U-Turn.Michael drives through the Cahuenga Pass back to the city like a madman.
BEEP
Michael, this is Bob Woodward. Judy Belushi has asked me to write a book about John, and several people have mentioned you as one of his friends. I'd like to talk to you some time. Please call me at the Washington Post. Thanks. The number is... (V.O.) BOB WOODWARD Michael and Alex are eating fast food. Michael has played Alex the message.
Don't call. It's some sort of trick. That's not really the Washington Post. ALEX Michael picks up the phone and dials a number.Yes, for Washington D.C., could I have the number of the Washington Post? MICHAEL Thank you. (pause) It's the same. So? Should I call him? (to Alex)
Hey, man, it's Bob Woodward, not the CIA. Remember Robert Redford? All the President's Men? Who looked bad in that? The people who were hiding something. Who looked good? The people who were totally up front, the ones who were tired of the bullshit and talked about what was really happening. You could be his deep throat in Hollywood. ALEX
Excuse me? This is very dangerous. I don't know how much he knows about the drug scene. MICHAEL
He must know about Preemos or he wouldn't be calling you. He's going to write somebody else's warped version of what went on. He should hear it straight from the horse's mouth. I think you should do it. Just picture Robert Redford. ALEX
Okay, but I'm not going to name names. MICHAEL Michael gives it deep thought, then dials the phone.It looks exactly the same as it did in All the President's Men, and Robert Redford once again plays Bob Woodward. The phone on his desk rings.
Hello? Michael, good to hear from you. Yes, Judy has asked all of John's friends to co-operate. So tell me how you met him. WOODWARD
The guy was dense. The Jack Webb of hip. Just the facts. We talked for way too long. (V.O.) MICHAEL
Michael is watching Fellini's 8 1/2 for the hundredth time. While his fingers tap across the computer in his lap, raindrops start to patter against the windows. The doorbell rings. He gets up and opens the door. Outside is Joey, holding a six-month-old baby in her arms.
You've got to be kidding. MICHAEL
Hi, it's me and your son. I told you I needed to talk to you. Can we come in? JOEY
Uh... MICHAEL
Come on, it's cold out here. Don't be a jerk. Let us in. We've got nowhere else to go. JOEY Michael stands aside and lets them in. Joey sets the baby down in Michael's favorite spot on the sofa, and throws a bunch of bags on the rest of the sofa. She starts going through things. Michael stares at the baby.I named him Michael Dare. I'm pretty sure he's yours. Anyway, I'm really tired of living on the street. We just need somewhere to spend the night. Have you got any juice in the refrigerator? I'm so tired, I haven't had a bath in four days. Have you done laundry? I'm just going to put these clothes in the hamper. Do you need a towel? I found this towel in a park yesterday and it's perfectly fine, just needs a wash. Do you mind if we heat a bottle? JOEY She hands him a bottle full of formula, which he handles like an extremely foreign object.What am I supposed to do with this? MICHAEL
Put it in a pot of hot water until it reaches skin temperature. JOEY
Right. MICHAEL He scurries to the kitchen.INT. KITCHEN
Michael fills a pot with water, puts it on the stove, and puts the baby bottle in the pot. He is muttering to himself.
I don't believe this. I should be writing about Fellini, not heating bottles. MICHAEL INT. MICHAEL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTJoey gives the baby the bottle.
Thank you. We'll just sleep here on the sofa if you don't mind. We'll be fine. Obviously you're not interested. It's okay. Just go to bed and we'll talk about it in the morning. JOEY Michael is tossing and turning in his sleep. He is not a happy boy.
Michael is asleep. Joey enters with the baby and drops him in bed next to Michael.
Here, you watch him for a minute. I'm going to take a shower. JOEY Michael is livid. This is all he needs first thing in the morning. He rolls over and looks at the baby, who smiles at him.The baby sits up on Michael's stomach, makes noises, and flaps his arms, then gets up and crawls around the bed. Michael is enchanted. All hostility vanishes. He watches as his son just explores: laughing, moving, and doing absolutely everything that occurs to him, a new impulse every nanosecond, a velocity freak in a dervish of abandon.
Michael can't stop staring. He bites the baby's ears, toes, and nose, cuddles, makes stupid sounds. He bounces the baby on his knee and the baby laughs, burps, and farts. They both laugh. He's hooked.
Joey comes out of the shower wrapped in a towel. She picks up the baby and heads back into the living room, leaving Michael in the bed in total confusion.
Michael and Alex are sharing Au Laits.
You're letting her stay with you? ALEX
Well she did have this thing with her, this very young, very cute, very alert and inquisitive thing, this child that might be mine. MICHAEL
Might be? Why not find out? ALEX INT. MICHAEL'S LIVING ROOMMichael picks up the phone.
Hi, I want to find out what I need to do a paternity test. MICHAEL Mmmm hmmm. blood from each of us. Yeah, right, well I can't get any of her blood. Is there anything else you can use? (pause) Hair? At least 50 follicles? Right. Thanks. (pause) He hangs up and goes into the bedroom.INT. BEDROOM
Michael looks at the baby, who is sleeping on the bed. He reaches in and cuts off a lock of his hair.
INT. BATHROOM
Michael inspects the bathtub drain. Sure enough, it is clogged with Joey's hair, which he pulls out in a soggy lump.
Behind MGM lies a section of the backlot that has been turned into condos. The lake from the film Raintree County remains intact, surrounded by palm trees, full of ducks and waterfalls. By its side are enormous ugly condos whose residents get to leave their buildings and relax in fake natural splendor.
Michael and his 70-year-old mother, CHARLOTTE DARE, are walking around the lake with the baby.
Well he's very cute, but I still don't understand why you're doing this? You're not even sure if he's yours. CHARLOTTE
I know that, mom, but he's definitely better off with me than living on the streets with his mother. MICHAEL
Well I'll help you any way I can. CHARLOTTE
That's great, because I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. MICHAEL
The baby is lying on a blanket on the sofa. Michael is teaching his mother how to change diapers.
First you grab this part, and you don't pull the tape off until the last minute or it won't stick. Then you pull this down here till it's tight, and stick on the tape from the other side. Voila! Of course the real question is why don't they make industrial strength diapers called Heavy Doody? MICHAEL Charlotte nods, then goes over to her desk and searches through a pile of photos. She pulls one out and shows it to Michael.You were wondering if he was yours? This is you. CHARLOTTE Michael looks at his baby picture. He looks exactly like the baby.Michael is changing diapers, Joey is going through his videotapes. She pulls one out.
What the hell is this? JOEY
Looks like Deathstalker II. Why? MICHAEL
It's pornography. JOEY
It's not pornography, it's a B movie with tits, rated R. Pretty funny really. MICHAEL
It's pornography. I don't want it in the house. I don't want our kid to see it. JOEY
I wasn't planning on showing it to him. MICHAEL Joey throws it in the trash.Michael and Alex are going through piles of junk when Alex comes up with a crib.
Here it is, the crib I raised Rosanna in. Good as new. ALEX
I don't believe I'm doing this. MICHAEL
Believe me, you need it, but only for a couple of years. Then you need a bed, then another bedroom, then a car, then another house. It only gets worse. ALEX
Thanks a lot. MICHAEL
Don't mention it. And remember, I get this back. ALEX Michael puts the baby in the new crib. The baby gets into the toys and totally ignores Michael, who can't stop staring.
Hey, Gurgleface! What's up, Mr. Tickletoe? Plasmo! Plasmo Boopchick! No, it's a Rasta man. Rasta McBellybottom, how do you do? Hey! Hey, Buster! MICHAEL The baby finally responds, putting down the toys and giving his full attention to his daddy.Buster it is. (CONTD) MICHAEL Joey enters. Michael steps back from the crib and goes...Taa-daa! (CONTD) MICHAEL Joey inspects the new crib.I don't like it. JOEY
What do you mean? It's a crib, a great old crib. MICHAEL
I want a new white one with one of those things that folds down. And it's got bunnies on it. I hate bunnies. JOEY
You hate bunnies? MICHAEL
That's right, and I'm not going to let our son sleep in a crib full of bunnies. JOEY Joey takes Buster out of the crib.You're kidding, right? What on earth is wrong with bunnies? MICHAEL
All bunnies do is fuck, and all you did is fuck me. JOEY
She was dense. The mom from hell. Make nothing easy! She stayed for three days. (V.O.) MICHAEL
The place is, inconceivably, a bigger mess than before. Michael awakens, starts to clean up, heads to the computer instead, turns it on, and falls asleep.
Joey is frying eggs while smoking. She is oblivious to the fact that the cigarette ashes are falling into the eggs. Her glasses are broken and taped to her forehead. The water is overflowing in the sink.
Joey enters, waking him up.
What are you doing today? JOEY
I don't know. Why? MICHAEL
I'm supposed to take little Michael to the pediatrician and they asked to meet you. It's no big deal. JOEY
Where is it? MICHAEL
UCLA. JOEY
Let's go. MICHAEL Michael, Joey, and the baby are in an examining room with DR. CHAMAS.
The child seems fine. DR. CHAMAS DR. HENDERSON enters the room.Ah, Dr. Henderson, I was expecting you. (CONTD) DR. CHAMAS Dr. Henderson will continue the examination with the mother. I was wondering if I could speak to you outside for a second, Mr. Dare. (to Michael)
No problem. MICHAEL
Hello Joey, how are you? DR. HENDERSON
Fine. (paranoid) JOEY
Dr. Chamas grills Michael.
I can't make any sense of what Joey told me about her situation, and we're concerned for the safety of the child. DR. CHAMAS
Well, until they showed up at my door last week, I think they were living in the street. MICHAEL
So what seems to be the trouble, Joey? DR. HENDERSON Joey picks up the baby and starts stomping about the examination room. She's extremely agitated.I don't believe you're doing this. Everything's fine, just fine. Can we leave now. What did he tell you? I'll kill that asshole. I'm going. JOEY She heads for the door.Not quite yet, Joey. There are still some questions we'd like answered. DR. HENDERSON We're considering removing the child. CHAMAS
Really? Gee, I don't think she's dangerous. I mean she's only been with me a few days. We don't really get along, but the kid seems to be okay. MICHAEL
Is the mother always rational? CHAMAS
Well, there is this thing she has about bunnies... MICHAEL Dr. Chamas leans in.Joey is now pacing the room wildly.
Get away from me, everything's fine, just fine. JOEY Dr. Chamas enters the room.I don't believe it, it's a conspiracy, I'm going to kill him. What did he tell you? The baby's mine, you understand, mine. What are you doing, stop that, you can't take my baby away, he needs me. That BASTARD, what is HAPPENING TO ME, I can't believe you're doing this. (CONTD) JOEY The door opens and two men in white coats enter the room. They take Joey away. She screams from down the hall. Michael sits alone in the room next door, listening. He peeks out.You're not going to get away with this, I mean it, I'll kill him. What did he say to you? That bastard. I'll get him. I'll get him. (CONTD) JOEY Dr. Chamas enters Michael's room.They're going to keep her for a minimum 72-hour hold. If she shows improvement, she could get out in a week. CHAMAS
What about Buster? Can I just take him home with me? MICHAEL
I'm afraid not. A social worker will be coming by to pick him up. She'll tell you where he's being taken, and you can visit him there. Then if you want him released to you, there will be a hearing in three days. DR. HENDERSON
A normal looking street in suburbia, with a normal row of houses. Michael pulls up to one of them in his Mustang and strides to the front door.
EXT. TYPICAL SUBURBAN HOUSE
Michael knocks on the front door. Doris, a pleasant middle-aged woman answers the door.
Can I help you? DORIS
I hope so. I'm here to visit Buster Dare. MICHAEL
Who? DORIS
I guess you know him as Michael, Michael Dare. MICHAEL
And your name is? DORIS
Michael Dare. MICHAEL
Just a moment. DORIS She closes the door. Michael lights a cigarette, takes one puff, and puts it out. He exhales away from the door just as it opens again.Come on in. (CONTD) DORIS A large living room is lined with playpens and cribs. The floor is covered in toys. Michael makes some space on a sofa. Doris hands him a piece of paper on a clipboard.
Just sign in while I go get little Michael. (CONTD) DORIS Doris leaves. Michael quickly decides to look around. He follows Doris.INT. HALLWAY
Michael peeks through every open door. Each room contains four cribs, each with one little occupant. The rooms seem like prison cells, with each baby clutching through the slats of their cribs, reaching at him like prisoners behind bars.
He arrives at the last one just as Doris is lifting little Michael from his crib. She notices him.
You're not supposed to be back here. (CONTD) DORIS
I just wanted to see where he was sleeping. MICHAEL
Well, you're going to have to conduct your visit in the living room. DORIS
Fine with me. MICHAEL Michael properly seats himself on the sofa. Doris gently hands him the baby.
You've got fifteen minutes. Would you like to give him a bottle? DORIS
Sure. MICHAEL Doris heads for the kitchen, leaving Michael alone for the second time with his son. They stare at each other. Michael puts out his palm.Gimme five! (CONTD) MICHAEL Buster looks at his hand and slaps it.All right, Buster. How you doing? You dig this place? They treat you good? Hell, they've got a lot more toys than I do. You wanna play? Let's play. (CONTD) MICHAEL Michael gets on the floor and starts playing with the toys.Doris returns with a bottle that she gives to Michael.
Do you know how to feed him? DORIS
No problem. MICHAEL He sits back on the sofa, takes Buster in his arms, and gives him the bottle. Buster is into it. He digs his bottle, closes his eyes, sucks away, then passes out. Michael takes the bottle from his mouth. It makes a "pop," leaving the baby's lips still pursed, as though the bottle were still there. It's the cutest thing Michael has ever seen. He kisses the baby on the cheek, and whispers in his ear.Don't worry, little guy. I'll spring you from this joint. (CONTD) MICHAEL The front door opens. Joey comes out ready to kill.
Michael is heading downtown on the H