A VALENTINE CAROL
      By
      Charles Dickens, Richard Goldman, and Michael Dare

      (Developed by Michelle Manning and Michael Medavoy for Rodney Dangerfield)


           Arthur V. Carol doesn't think of himself as a pornographer. He honestly believes that the female body is the most beautiful creation in the universe, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking pictures of it in every conceivable position, printing them up by the thousands, putting staples through their stomachs and selling them to thousands of horny males for $4.95. No, Carol isn't a pornographer, he's just a zillionaire philanthropist who publishes the largest selling monthly magazine full of naked women.
           He was born on Valentines Day. Though Valentine is his middle name, he has dropped it to a simple V. since it's a day he's grown to hate along with all it's trappings - hearts, romance, and sentimentality. To him, sex is a sport, and love is a term he only uses on Tennis courts.
           He lives in a castle that's a Disneyland of decadence. The entire house is decorated in what you might call "neo-phallic" architecture. Outside is a natural wonderland full of waterfalls, hidden grottos, wildlife, and bottles of baby oil always within an arms reach. Inside, the elevator doors are shaped like enormous breasts, and the walls are pink and decorated with vast tapestries of erotic art. Upstairs is his private world where everything revolves around his own pleasure. He never dresses, preferring to conduct all business in his pajamas and dressing gown, which is especially convenient considering how much of his time is spent in bed with a limitless array of gorgeous women.

           It's February 13th, the day before Valentines Day, and the mansion is bustling with preparations for an enormous party in celebration of the upcoming Valentine issue of the magazine, with the first holographic scratch-and-sniff centerfold. It's also Carol's birthday, and a cake is being prepared full of naked women. Carol's loyal assistant, Mrs. Crotchit, directs traffic. Carol has asked her to set up the evening's sexual menu. Pretty maids, all in a row, will be transported regularly upstairs for "conjugal visits".
           Upstairs, Carol gleefully scrutinizes centerfold contenders. He tells one girl that she's it if she'll fuck a certain client. She agrees and he sends them all away when he's interrupted by an urgent bookkeeper. It turns out that Mrs. Crotchit has been embezzling $500 a month for the past ten years. He sends for her, and when she refuses to explain, he regretfully fires her, despite the fact that she has a large family, and that she has been with him since the magazine began.
           At the party that night, Carol conducts himself as regally as he can. He congratulates a newlywed by complimenting his wife as a great fuck. It's clear that Carol's sex life is unlimited, and that he may very well have bedded every woman in the room. When the cake pops open and the women all emerge dressed as Cupid, he excuses himself saying "I hate cherubs," and heads upstairs.
           While relaxing in his oval-shaped jacuzzi, he's disturbed by the sound of chains being rattled, and a hairdrier... then a blender, and numerous bags rustling. Suddenly, up from the bubbling water, rises the ghost of his ex-wife Marlene who died twelve years ago. Her hair is in curlers and her face is covered with ghostly white cold cream. A shopping accident in a department store had cut her off from a lifetime of alimony.
           He leaps out of the jacuzzi, puts on a robe, and runs to hide in the nearby sauna. For a moment he's safe - till he hears a horrible screeching voice "First floor; cosmetics, perfumes, accessories." He hears an elevator tone that gets progressively louder. He tries to escape the sauna but the door is stuck. Marlene walks through the door, through him, and sits down.
           Carol tries to explain her away as a bad martini or a piece of undigested sushi, but she pulls a few ghost tricks to convince him. She explains that in the afterlife, you spend eternity chained to all the things you spent your life with. She pulls a ten foot chain behind her covered with appliances, shopping bags from Bonwit Teller, hairspray, and nail polish. Carol is not happy to see her at all. He insists that the only thing that deserves to be flying is her, right out the window. Besides, he's got some attractive, and more important, living company expected.
           She nags at him like she always did and he calls her every name in the book. She finally leaves, and Carol picks up his bedside phone to call security. Unfortunately, Marlene's voice comes on the phone saying there's something she forgot to tell him. He puts her on hold and punches another line, but she's there too. All the lines light up. She's everywhere, and eventually he hears her final message - he's going to be receiving three more spirits that night. Carol insults her one final time, hangs up the phone, and falls back into a restless sleep.
           Carol is awakened by a knock on the door, which brings the playmate he was expecting, although he's not too sure. His lovemaking proceeds as usual till he looks up at the mirrored ceiling over his bed and notices that his lover has no reflection. Realizing that the jig is up, she explains that she's the Ghost of Valentines Past and that she wants to show him some things. He follows her through the wall and back in time. He becomes a disconcerted but nonetheless constantly wisecracking traveler through his own past Valentines Day experiences.
           He witnesses his own conception in the backseat of a Buick.
           He's born on Valentines Day. He's almost smothered by the enormous breasts of a nurse who leans over him while tending a baby in the next stall.
           His parents throw him a Valentine/Birthday party when he's five. They embarrass him in front of all his friends by making him dress up like Cupid.
           In grammar school, a cute little girl coyly hands a young plump Carol a Valentine. He opens it and reads the inscription "My Chubby Valentine". He sadly looks up to see her giggling with her friends. The grown up Carol remarks that she would later have three unsuccessful nose jobs that made her look like a Picasso.
           At fourteen, he's coerced by his friends into looking through a peep hole in the girl's locker room. He returns a half hour later with a camera.
           At sixteen, he's a virgin out on his first date. The ghostly older Carol keeps prompting his younger self to "grab her tit" but nobody can hear him.
           In his teens, he's fired from his job at Wildlife Magazine for putting photos of naked women in a layout about geese.
           In his twenties, he gives a pregnant girl, Molly Fezziwig, $200 to have it taken care of. She insists that she wants to have his child, but he explains that he's just getting started in the publishing business and that he doesn't have time to be a father. He promises her that they'll have another baby in a few years, but that the timing just isn't right for this one. He drives her to the clinic where she reluctantly accepts the money and goes inside.
           Carol explains to the Ghost of Valentines Past that he tried to get in touch with her the next day, but that she wouldn't accept his calls. He never saw her again. He's never had to deal with a similar problem since he got a vasectomy. Now he can screw his brains out without a care.
           At thirty, he's getting married to a wealthy Marlene, while periodically winking at a pregnant bridesmaid. The ghostly Carol demands to be shown something happy, and he's shown her funeral.
           Finally, he's taken back to his bedroom where he pops some pills and nervously awaits the coming of the next spirit.

          The bedroom door opens and in steps another luscious specter who explains that she's the Ghost of Valentine Present. She keeps changing from a cherub to an adult as she takes Carol on a guided tour of all the fortunate couples who are happily celebrating Valentines Day. Carol always sees the ugly side of everything and makes loads of sarcastic comments throughout this sickeningly sincere "Love Montage", which plays like a Hallmark card set to Rod McKuen music.
           He's shown a wedding, and once again mentions that he had this bride too and she was great.
           Invisible, he walks through the party downstairs in the mansion, where he overhears everyone talking about him behind his back. Their remarks are not complimentary, and he starts getting pissed off, threatening to fire all of them.
           He's taken into one of his many bedrooms where he sees the previously mentioned playmate about to reluctantly get in bed with a particularly grotesque "client". When Carol is forced to witness this seedy scene, he actually expresses regret at asking her to perform such a foul deed.
           Finally he's taken to the home of Mrs. Crotchit. It turns out she has no family. She's all alone. She opens up a Valentine Card she had made out to Carol and rips it up. She calls out for Tiny Tim and into the room hobbles a three-legged dog, which she cuddles. Carol admits that maybe he was a bit hasty in firing her. He's taken back to his bedroom where he anxiously awaits his next visitation.

           He waits and waits and waits. Finally, out of boredom, he opens up the latest issue of his magazine and stares at the scratch-and-sniff holographic centerfold. He scratches it and takes a huge whiff. Suddenly the hologram comes to life and sucks him into the magazine. This computerized woman explains that she is The Ghost of Valentines Future.
           She guides him into a line of tourists who are buying tickets for some major attraction. He overhears someone mention that it sure is great that Carol died. Now anyone can get into the famed mansion simply by paying for admission. Carol refuses to pay to enter his own house and charges past the guards through his front door.
           His whole private world has been turned into a public amusement park. The mansion is now truly an X-rated Disneyland, with numerous rides and exhibitions. Visitors ride in penis shaped cars on a roller coaster through giant female body parts. There's a boat ride called Hookers of the Mediterranean in which hundreds of delighted horny males float past brothels full of animated robot harlots. Carol's own organ is on display in a glass case in his bedroom. Even Carol is aghast at these overblown erotic concoctions. He begs the ghost to show him no more, but she insists they make one more stop.
           He's taken to a dark scary graveyard. Carol complains that he knows he's going to die someday and that he doesn't really need to see his own grave, but the Ghost points it out to him. He doesn't respond and insists they leave immediately. She tells him there's one more sight he must see.
           She takes him deeper into the graveyard and points towards the ground. There is the grave of Molly Fezziwig, and next to it the grave of Arthur Fezziwig Jr. She explains to him that Molly never "had it taken care of", and that she raised his child in secret. The $500 a month that Mrs. Crotchit was embezzling was actually being sent to Molly to support his son. Since the payments were cut off, they died in poverty. Carol demands that he be sent back to the present, and his wish is granted.
           Carol awakens Valentines morning with a whole new outlook. He orders Valentines for every employee, with a bonus in each envelope. He calls up Mrs. Crotchit and re-hires her, then orders a beautiful new prosthetic leg for Tiny Tim. He tells Crotchit that he knows where the money was being sent and he demands an address.
           He flies across town to the home of Molly Fezziwig. She opens the door and tries to keep him out, but he demands to see his son. She reluctantly admits that Arthur Jr. is in his bedroom.
           Carol bursts into the bedroom to find a sixteen year old kid who looks just like he did sitting in bed reading his magazine. Carol smacks his forehead and rips the magazine out of the kid's hands saying "what are you reading that for?"
           Young Arthur looks up at his dad and says "Leave me alone. Jesus Christ, I can't get any privacy around here." Carol sighs.

          And then, out of total frustration with Hollywood, Michael turns the whole thing into a novel with Bill Clinton as Scrooge.
       

      dareland